Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Civ4/Music/Life/Work Post

I haven't posted anything in a while as life has been quite busy. I will just share some thoughts on random things.

1) I am very excited about Civilization 4 coming out. It is a computer game that is based on the concept of world conquest. I think it is easily the most addictive game ever, and it is especially appealing to those of us who want to be President. If you know nothing of Civilization, I don't know whether to recommend it to you or not. For those with a lot of time to waste, go for it. For those who like to lead productive lives and have issues with OCD, avoid Civ like Bird Flu.

2) I have been listening to a lot of old U2 lately. It is so good. I think I actually like it more than any other era U2. A Sort Of Homecoming, Out Of Control, Two Hearts Beat As One.. those are some brilliant efforts.

3) Moving sucks. I have a new place, a good roommate, and a good location.. yet moving still sucks. It throws everything out of balance. No good. I used to think I was good with changes- a real spontaneous, improvisational person. I'm not.

4) Work is good. Work is busy. I used to think I was good with changes- a real spontaneous, improvisational person. I'm not. If you just read that in number 3, it's because it is relevant to both. Alas, I will keep making do. Enjoy yourselves today blog readers.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Deer Off = Bunny On

well...i cannot tell you how disappointed i was to see a bunny in my front yard on saturday night as i pulled up to my house after a 5 hour drive back from a Thanksgiving weekend. it was circa 10pm and i didnt even see the little bastard until i had picked up my suitcase and golf clubs, but you bet your ass i dropped those faster than you can say "Dr. Swiss of Limberger" and i chased nemesis # 2 down the Northside Bunny Run into someone else's yard at full sprint.

the next day i got out my gardening gloves and since i had some soil left over from another yard project, i took a few bags and completely filled the alleged mother legion bunny thunderdome that i have concluded might be underneath my front sidewalk. see, i noticed next to the border of my sidewalk in a few places that there appeared to be a bunch of soil missing, almost like some animal had dug a tunnel system down there, and last week i tried to flush them out of there by hose. i put the hose down one of the little tunnels and turned it on full blast for about three minutes, no exaggeration, and NOTHING HAPPENED. i did not see the water fill up or come out at any other part of the tunnels or in the grass anywhere. very bizarre. so what i did this past sunday was fill these holes as much as possible with soil, then i compacted and watered it. oh, it is also possible i accidently dumped a third of a bag of fire ant killer down there before watering and covering it up with dirt, but i am not sure...

i believe that i have now tried all non-violent forms of bunny removal, so we are nearing the point of a pellet gun and/or .22 purchase.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody

and certainly be on the lookout for those toddler-eating beach turkeys...

Monday, November 21, 2005

ben folds

i saw ben folds on saturday night at Nokia Theatre (Grand Prairie, TX) and sat slightly off center 10 rows from the stage. the show was great. everything you want at a concert was done by Ben Folds. the crowd was into it from the beginning, as i think most people who would go see him to begin with are strong fans. he did not sit down until the 4th song, thats how pumped he was when he came out and started jamming on the piano. great stuff.

not only is he an unbelievable, probably underappreciated talent, he has a great sense of humor and is a great performer. during the show he played old and new songs, a great version of Long Tall Texan, a song off Dr. Dre's The Chronic (played Ben Folds style, very funny), and even worked in Freebird including a key pounding version of the solo. he talked quite a bit about his music and songs, and a few different times he divided the audience and assigned harmonizing background vocals for the crowd to sing during a few songs. he would point at different sections of the crowd to get different harmonies as he played piano and sang, and at the end of one song the drummer and bassist jammed as he stood on top of his piano and conducted the crowd into song. this dude is very musically talented, puts on a fantastic show, and is pretty damn funny. if you dont listen to him, i suggest you give his tunes a shot and if he is in town i would recommend going. it was badass.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

CMA's = Caraoke Music Awards

it appears that Mr. Jovi did not read my entry titled "greatest hits? / retire now please." you were on the "retire immediately if not sooner" list Mr. Jovi, and you should have done so before soiling yourself on national television by performing at the Caraoke Music Awards.

yes yes, i know karaoke is spelled with a "k". but it was spelled with a C on tuesday night. tuesday night was the so very awaited Country Music Awards. i get kinda excited about watching this particular program due to its humor potential. they signed up dianne keaton with a goatee and yosemite sam to host (see picture below), which is always good. i once saw those characters in concert which had yosemite sam imposter guitar solo-ing while a dude in the dark wearing black was actually playing said solo, and dianne was doing the Caraoke thing. filthy.
the only current redeeming country right now: keith urban. he is good, even though his music isnt country. the song he did at the CMA's could have just as easily been matchbox or lifehouse or whoever, with slightly different vocals. i will give trisha yearwood's equally unattractive short spikey haired twin sister that her (and her band Rascal Flatt's) one song "Fast Cars and Freedom" is not bad. not country either.
i had to visit the CMT website for the first time ever to find the pictures for this entry, and the advertisement at the top of the front page was for Scott Stapp's new solo album. huh? the one song i have heard of his sounds exactly like Creed anyway, so why go solo? and why go country? oh yeah, i know why go country, because you have a better chance of success since they all suck too. good call. maybe that was Mr. Jovi's thought as well.
the 2005 CMA's further reinforced the scientificness of yet another mikeandtim theory...
country = caraoke

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

this week's challenger : "Deer Off"

Nemesis # 2
(Approaching Dynasty Status)

Deer Off

The previous challenger (Scary Manufactured Owl) has somewhat discouraged Nemesis #2 munchings on one half of the yard, but this has not yet been confirmed. However, in a very sneaky but strong turn of events, the Owl has formed an alliance with new challenger "Deer Off". if you look really really close, there is a picture of Nemesis # 2's cousin on the Deer Off bottle, and in small print the Deer Off claims to "Off" rabbits as well. this could be the fiercest battle yet. On Sunday afternoon, i sprayed Deer Off on my entire front yard with vigor, excited about the possibility of overthrowing the near legendary domination of Nemesis #2. the potency of the Deer Off's scent irritated my eyes to mild redness and itching, but i sprayed on. after coating aforementioned lawn, there was about 6-8 ounces of repellant left in the bottle, which i poured directly into alleged Nemesis # 2 hideout/evil lair. this could not have been a positive experience for said nemesis. and now...we wait.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

parents / soccer is barely a sport

the parent topic is one that just begs to be criticized, isnt it? everyone parents a certain way because either thats how they were brought up, they live vicariously through their children, they take their life stress out on their children, think it is the best way to raise kids, dont care, or for whatever reason. i am pretty sure i could write a book on my opinions, however it would carry no weight since i do not have any kids. kind of like andTim's marriage counseling. i will propose the following thoughts for our one reader (Dr. Swiss of Limberger) to ponder (listed as thoughts directed toward the parent of an elementary school child) :

1. believe it or not, your child is not daddy's little angel 100% of the time
2. if your child receives a grade of 98 instead of a 100, and your child is under the age of 8 years old, this will not destroy their chances of getting into the ivy league school you chose for them upon womb exodus
3. if your child receives discipline at school (getting a "check" by their name) this is not an invitation for you to verbally assault the teacher with your only point being "my little Johnny would never do such a thing!"
4. it is your job to discipline your child at home so they behave better at school, not the other way around
5. the school district is not out to get you
6. do not try to protect your kid from every possible situation. for example, if there is another child who says that your Johnny is a "poopyface" because your Johnny kicked them, this does not make Johnny the victim. if Johnny kicked another kid, he should be willing to accept such consequence as being called a "poopyface"
7. do not do your child's homework for them. it is pretty obvious when the teacher's husband grades the paper and the handwriting is by someone who doesnt write backwards 4's and inverted letter R's

i just realized this isnt as interesting on paper as it is in my head, so, next subject.

soccer is terrible. anyone who knows me knows that i hate soccer. however, i will always give it a chance. the Major League Soccer Championship game between the New England Revolution and the Los Angeles Galaxy was televised over the weekend, so i figured i should watch some to give it a shot. bored out of my mind, i continued to watch. "but you dont understand, soccer is exciting, you just dont see the plays and the strategy." yeah...i think i do. the plays dont exist. the play is as follows: kick the ball and hope the other team doesnt either intercept the ball or kick it out of bounds. once the ball is "contained" by the receiving player, just try and hang on to it as long as possible, until it is either stolen, kicked out of bounds, or kicked backwards. oh yeah, i almost forgot. whatever you do, dont kick it at the goal. the only actual "play" in the playbook is to not have the other team steal the ball. in fact, thats why there is no soccer playbook. the "playbook" is a sheet of paper that says "kick, chase, dont use hands, chase, kick, flop, repeat". keys to the game? try and not let the other team within 50 yards of the goal (not very challenging as soccer players are taught from an early age to fear the goal and stay away instinctfully.)

care to argue? the MLS Championship went to double overtime with a score of, you guessed it, NO SCORE. 0-0. 0-0? dont ya think maybe we should make some rule adjustments so someone scores A goal after 90 minutes of gameplay? "awwwww, but you just dont understand the defensive battle and the skill involved." yeah i do. make the sport be conducive to deciding a winner, and you may lure me in. the "strategy" you speak of is obvious. kick the ball upfield, hope your dude gets there first, and if he doesnt, flop on the ground like a third grader acting like you got fouled. i have such a passionate dislike for the soccer. at one point during the MLS Championship, they broke to commercial, except they didnt really break to commercial. they went to a split screen so you didnt "miss out on any of the action". i wouldnt say i had been missing it Bob. i found myself watching the commercials instead and was more entertained. once the commercials went away, i changed the channel.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Message to Chicks- "The POSAS"


We (young single adult men) are tired of your games. Most of them are inane and stupid. Due to the pervasiveness of the gay mafia (see blog circa July), general hedonism, and Desperate Housewives, you somehow feel that you have a generational license to act like complete illogical morons. This is not a new revelation, it is just a statement of fact. Most of you geniuses think that you want kids/family with a husband who is loving, caring, attentive, respectful, thoughtful, etc. The irony is that when presented with a palpable solution to the family/spouse situation, you most often act like, well... this is a family blog and I won't express my true feelings here.

There are a few noteable classic dating break-up lines:

"It's not you, it's me."

"I just want to be friends."

"It was just going too fast."

"I need some time/space."

"Your breath is terrible."**

**I started brushing 3 times a day after this.

But... this is my new favorite, and perhaps the ultimate because it conveniently requires no confrontation. Long story short, I meet a girl out dancing the other night; we enjoy dancing with one another, we talk a fair amount, etc. At the end of the evening I ask for her number.

This is the important moment.

The girl has four options:

A) Give the number
B) Not give the number
C) Give fake number
D) Throw drink in face of requesting party

(Girl reading currently recoils in horror at the idea of option B)

Option B is great! Well, rejection is generally not fun.. but option B is definitely the best method for it. Just give it to us straight, we will respect you more. Here is how my most recent story unfolded. The offending party is Ashley, and if I knew her last name I would openly share it with all readers of, as it is a good place for us young guys to share our struggles and triumphs. Alas, I do not know her last name. For our story we will call her POSAS (Purveyor Of Suck And Stupidity).

Friday, November 11th, 1:00 am
-andTim receives the POSAS's phone number

Saturday, November 12th, 2:00 pm- 5:00 pm
-andTim's flag football team dominates at FCC Men's Retreat
(relevant to the story as a further display of having very high quality athletic genes- something
considered generally good amongst the female population looking to procreate. )

Sunday, November 13th, 1:30 pm
-andTim puts in casual phone call to the POSAS to see if she would like to go to dinner. This is a good gap after initial meeting, as we are now at the 60 hr. post initial meeting mark. The POSAS remembers meeting andTim at Tumbleweed Texas, and says that she would like to go, how about 8:00 or 8:30? andTim wishes it could be more like 7:00, as he will be ravenously hungry by 7:30, but allows for the time difference and says, "That would be good". The POSAS informs andTim that she will call him around 4:30 to make sure she will be home from scheduled event in enough time to go to dinner. They discuss restaurants and decide on Italian food. End of conversation.

Sunday, November 13th, 6:45 pm
-andTim begins to feel the pains of rejection. He calls the POSAS, who does not pick up, and he leaves the message,

"Hey the POSAS, I am going to head out of here in the next 30 minutes or so, and just wanted to tell you where Macaroni Grill is near Willowbrook. Give me a call when you get the chance."

The POSAS responds with the following, approximately 2 minutes after receiving message:

"Sorry... not going to be able to make it."

This is verbatim. How can I be sure? IT WAS A TEXT MESSAGE. Giving the POSAS the benefit of the doubt, I text back... "Another time?" Of course, the POSAS does not respond, so andTim feels it necessary to send the following text messages:

"If you aren't willing to go to dinner with someone, don't bother to give them your number. It's difficult to respect someone who acts 13 instead of 27. The outright rejection is much more considerate."

Follows with:

"Good luck in Colorado if your travels take you there."

andTim note: I thought it was especially cutting to show her that I had paid specific attention to her age and the fact that she shared that due to company downsizing, she might have to move to the company's headquarters in Colorado to keep her job.

The POSAS and her ilk are personally responsible for a good deal of the evil in this world. You are the spawn of Satan, and you will die out due to your inability to act as a rational human being. Feel free to e-mail me all you women who side with the POSAS, but keep in mind... this sort of action only assigns you the title of POSAS.... Purveyor Of Suck And Stupidity.

nemesis #2 defends title, 100 posts

Nemesis #2
(bunny rabbit)


This Week's Challenger
(scary manufactured plastic owl)

the lengths that i will go to in an effort to rid my yard of the very strong and worthy nemesis #2. this animal is an unbelievable competitor. so far, nemesis #2 has defeated multiple challengers, including "homeowner rage/chase", "a potpourri of harmful projectile combat", and "cayenne pepper". there have been two new challengers of late, the first being the Scary Manufactured Plastic Owl, who resides in a tree and watches over the damaged front yard grass of which the feared nemesis #2 offers munch warfare. this challenge has been in progress since last sunday, Nov 6, and has been somewhat of a soccer match result. lots of time, no real scoring. i have since made a special trip to the Home Depot Landscape Supply store in search of the next challenger (did you even know these HD Landscape stores existed? this is not a full size Depot) and i procured a bottle of "Deer Off", which also has a picture of nemesis #2 on the label and allegedly repels the bunny rabbit. these two challengers will most likely coordinate strategeries and double team the nemesis #2. more updates as the battle continues.

in other non-exciting news, mikeandtim has crossed the 100 post mark, and still only have comments by Dr. Swiss of Limberger.

Friday, November 11, 2005


I have given in. I am attempting to embrace the country & western dance lifestyle. It is completely against my will, but it is a great way to meet normal local talent. (read- hotties) (read- attractive women) I even acquired some boots- thanks for the early Christmas gift Mom & Dad, so that I might fully embrace my task. These are the actual boots right here.

Do not even consider owning these, they are mine. My style. Me.

So, I went out last night and had a really good time. This is probably the first morning-after blog in which we, mikeandtim, each took tequila shots the night before. I had 2... tremendous. Jose Cuervo, you really are a friend of mine.

I am taking C&W dance lessons, and they are working. I was actually good on the dance floor during the slow dance portions of the evening. When the hip-hop comes on I am truly in my element, but now I am a double threat.

I would have to say that "Gold Digger" by Kanye West is probably the best hip-hop song to come out in 5 years. What a song. It even lights up a place like Tumbleweed Texas. In further irony- out of the many girls that I danced with, the best one was black. She also could hold conversation with the best of them... a real treat for a honky like me.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

10 more things America should do to save itself

this is an addition to andTim's previous entry, with the exception of a disagreement listed in my item #7. dont read ahead, it is all good material. be patient and wait for #7...

1. stop outsourcing jobs - this is so disfunctional. first of all, giving jobs up overseas is very counterintuitive. the only thing it does is put more money in the ginormous pockets of big business gurus and provides some opportunity and income potential for people in the foreign land. of course i am a proponent of benefitting other countries' populace, but in this case, it is counterproductive. by giving these tens of thousands (or more, who really knows) of jobs to the common citizen of India or China, we are not making them available to our own poverty stricken people of America. thus increasing the unemployment rate, forcing more people into welfare/medicare, increasing crime, draining social security, etc etc. lets keep our jobs at home.

2. make it much more difficult to obtain a driver's license - driving should be restored to a privilege, not a right. the reason? driving is dangerous. people who have a record of accidents/DUI/DWI should not be allowed to drive. if your car cannot reach the speed limit on the highway, you should not drive there. tests for drivers should be much harder. sure, we all make mistakes driving, but i am talking about the people who cut across 5 lanes of traffic at 65 mph to make their exit. YOU MISSED IT. ok? go to the next exit, turn around, and take the extra 90 seconds to backtrack instead of putting everyone else on the road in danger. going out drinking every night and driving home? arrested with license revocation. right turn from the left lane? nope. reverse down the highway to go back to an exit you passed? nope. you missed it. tons of drivers dont even have car insurance. these people should have their car towed to the police station and not returned until they get insurance. i bet any of us could write a book on the crazies and their habits on the road...

3. crack down on unethical business behavior - this is out of hand. i am not sure nor do i have time to figure this one out. however, you do Mr. Congressman, and you should come up with something sooner rather than later. i think this is a lot bigger issue than people recognize. however, i have no hard proof, just my take on it.

4. mass transit - following andTim's lead for the tree huggin hippies. there are too many cars on the road. pollution is a bad thing. several other countries have more developed bus/train/rail/subway systems than we do, and we should follow suit. our trains suck here and developing that system could take some heat off the beating of fuel prices. i vote for a similar system as the Shinkansen of Japan.

5. have an identity - the U.S. is way too concerned about pleasing everyone, especially the super-minority. we should stop trying to accommodate everyone and have our law that should not be amended for convenience or preferential inclusion. 99% of other countries have a set of rules/laws and if you break them there is consequence. here, if you break/dont agree with a law, there is this beating of a caucus where the offender argues the position that they should be able to exercise freedom and do/say/steal from/cheat/wrong anyone they want. this item also falls in line with andTim's close the border point. it is ok not to be ok with everything. let's establish who we are and make necessary adjustments when needed. anyone who doesn't like it, can LEAVE. it isnt insensitive, we are the only country that does not do this. move somewhere you can do what you want instead of staying here and bitching.

6. realize the importance of education/family values - a very cliche political platform, however this never loses its importance. the government needs to stop wasting money by overpaying for things and bad decision making. get your crap together and put more money into schools, low income family assistance (having a system/plan to get on a track, not a handout), pay teachers more, give schools more resources, and start caring about the future of the country. in addition to the governmental responsibility, the general population needs to wake up and realize the importance of this as well.

7. stop spending money on NASA - conducting a 7th grade science fair while in orbit is not a good way to spend billions of dollars. no more monkeys in space, no growing potatoes, no more going in space just to spend the entire time fixing the contraption you used to get to space to begin with, no more space station. what the heck do we need a space station for? so we have an arena to compete against the russians and chinese for who can make a volcano erupt in space with baking soda and vinegar? enough.

8. do not rebuild New Orleans - i should add "any more than absolutely necessary." pouring billions of dollars into a sinking city that was trashy to begin with is not a good idea. put the money in to save things that are salvagable. wrecking things and rebuilding brand new better facilities is a horrible idea. i know i am going democratic with pointing out a bad idea with no solution, but again, i dont spend all day thinking of solutions to large issues like this. i can just tell you that this is not a good way to spend money.

9. clean up the district - politicians are shady arent they? why is that? what is it about our system that corrupts our representatives? hmmm. the standard stuff probably. money and power. oh, and the more than occasional pissing contest of releasing confidential CIA operative information because the other party released information you didnt want them to release. ethics classes are now going to be required for politicians by the W's recommendation. a possible knee-jerk reaction to all of his cabinet tom foolery? so frustrating. it is difficult to ask these people to clean up something that doesnt want to be cleaned up, so i propose some form of additoinal check/balance. whatever is going on up there in DC needs to be reformed before it gets totally out of control, which may not be long.

10. reform the BCS - dont act like this isnt important. you love college football too. this is so annoying. every other sport declares a clear cut winner. i dont want to hear anything about how one or two extra games could keep these kids out of class and hurt them academically. HELLO. they dont go to class to begin with. many athletes have "tutors" that go to class for them, take notes, and then give them a cliffs notes version at best. some probably have said "tutors" take exams, do projects, write papers, etc. dont kid yourself, this happens. i had classes with several college football players and a few even attempted to cheat off my exam. which, may have only given them a "D" but at least thats passing. either way i blocked off the cheat. here is what i propose: first of all, either all conferences need to have a conference tourney or none should. NCAA should standardize this. the top 4 teams go to a playoff. 1 plays 4, 2 plays 3. if you are not in the top 4, you havent taken care of business and cannot whine about not making it. if all conferences have a championship game, the odds of having more than 4 undefeated teams are very slim. plus, a little controversy of who is #4 and #5 to get into the playoff is interesting, controversy of a subjective #1 is just wrong. the winner of the 4 team BCS tourney is the #1 team. this adds 1 game to the current system. why are we not doing this?

Monday, November 07, 2005

10 Things America Needs To Do To Save Itself

In no particular order-

1- Stop sending money overseas.
-There are a few cases where we should spend money overseas, but they are few and far between. Spend money at home. We do not need to send money to Africa THROUGH OUR GOVERNMENT or THROUGH THE UNITED NATIONS to help educate people about the Aids virus. But I can donate out of my own pocket......

2- Stop getting involved in every international disturbance.
-As time goes by, a Star Wars defensive system seems like a better and better use of money. A good offense is a good defense, but a good offense needs a goal line to establish it's purpose, otherwise there is no means by which to determine success or failure. WE SHOULD NOT BE
THE WORLD'S POLICE. Defend your home, and leave people alone. We are the United States of AMERICA, not the United States of THE WHOLE FREAKING WORLD. I do realize our influence, I do realize the benefits of international trade, but I primarily realize that we have borders... or at least we used to. (see #9)

3- Allow Religious Freedom, not freedom from Religion
-Religion is not the opiate of the masses, it is a means by which people live for the greater good because of the hope that something greater than themselves exists. Almost all religions endorse the Golden Rule, and that alone should be a good philosophical justification for letting religion breathe in ALL forums in America.

4- Stop spending money on stupid programs
-Money should be spent on a few things: Education, Defense, minimal amounts of Scientific Research, and Large Projects (space stations, space travel, highways, rail systems, etc.) That's pretty much it.

5- Minimize Welfare
-Lose your job? Find a new one in 6 months, 12 months maximum. Use welfare 3 times, and that's all you get.

6- Replace Income Tax with a National Sales Tax

-Taxing the rich and the poor at different rates... the furthest thing from equality. Taxing people who spend their money as soon as it comes in on frivolous items? Absolutely.

7- Replace Social Security with a National Sales Tax
-"Wait a minute..." you think. Here it is: Sales Tax discourages spending, the opposite of spending is saving. The reason for Social Security is to force people to save. If you want to go out and blow your cash on dumb crap like heated leather seats when non-heated velour seats work fine, go for it. (This will also make PETA happy.) Just don't expect me or anyone else to feel sympathy for you when you realize that extra $2000 could have been invested and become $200,000 twenty-five years later.

8- Legalize Marijuana
-Tax the you-know-what out of it, use it to give teachers an across the board raise, don't allow it anywhere except in private residences, a few bars, the beach, and concerts. If you get caught dealing- you're gone. Super-restrictive resale licenses which cost a ton, and give States' the right to decide whether they want to do something like this in the first place. (I had to come up with one good liberal idea)

9- Close the Border
-No explanation really necessary. Are you illegally immigrating? You might get shot and killed for breaking the law. Are you legally immigrating? Great! But you better believe your kids are getting zero education in any other language but English. This is America, not the Northern Mexico States buddy.

10- Eliminate Racial Labels
-Are you black, white, hispanic, asian? Who cares? Our cultural history is important... but it is exactly that.... history. Want to evolve*? What is the point of a civil rights movement if we keep labeling everyone? There is no way my kid is filling out his ethnicity on anything. We give racism rebirth with every demographic breakdown that includes race.

"Daddy, what is a caucasian?"
"A person from Caucasus."
"Ok." (returns to important things)
(like right now, I have work to do.)
(getting to

*evolution is dumb too.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Black Athletes

Author's note: Finish Line 100 Meter Dash, Athens 2004. This picture features no white men.

This is directly in response to statements made by Fisher DeBerry (head coach Air Force Football) and Joe Paterno (Football Deity- Penn St.).

For anyone out there who feels that these men have said something discriminatory, you are correct. For anyone out there who feels that these men have said something wrong, you are wrong. (And an idiot.)

I am not going to directly quote these two guys, but both of them basically made statements that black athletes have increased the speed of college football. They are right. Black men are generally faster than white men. Is that racist? Who cares! It's a compliment! When we think of the fastest men in the world how many of them are white? With the exception of Jeremy Wariner, (honky who won the gold in the 400 meters at the 2004 Athens Games) probably none.

Black men are superior athletically. That's not racist, it's not even an opinion. It's a fact. Since their admittance into all 3 of the major sports, most black athletes have been dominant- especially in football and basketball. 80-90% of NBA players are black. If you were to say that a company controlled 80-90% of it's target market, it would clearly be the best at whatever it was doing. Is it not then fair- as well as complimentary- to say that black athletes are largely superior to white athletes?

The bottom line is this- discrimination is not always bad. Fisher DeBerry and Joe Paterno COMPLIMENTED black athletes, saying that they had increased the speed and scoring in college football. Take the compliment. Stop whining about discrimination. Stop- and have a good weekend.

man vs. woman - episode 1

Episode 1 : compare/contrast the time it takes for each to get ready in the morning

say you have straight two-laned drag strip of arbitrary length. one side is the female side, one side is the man side. female side contestant: toddler. male side contestant: just a Regular Ol' Dude (we will call him "Rod" for short).

on the female side of said drag strip, all female pit crew (with controversially underzipped coveralls, not a bad visual) buckles in toddler on a tricycle with a helmet (one of those old school motorcycle sidecar helmets, nothin aerodynamic). pit crew then lines up said toddler on the starting line, with all necessary winnie the pooh fire retardant protective gear, cute Blue's Clues socks, cute shoes, assorted cute jewelry, etc. everything matches. these items must all be put on as toddler rides tricycle down the track. the toddler is not allowed to put on helmet until last possible second as to not mess up hairsprayed/teased hair, which is most likely near the very end of the race. toddler lines up to starting line, and starting pistol is fired. toddler begins race.

on the man side...
Rod is asleep in futon next to drag strip. Rod sleeps for another hour, hitting snooze button every 7 minutes along the way. for the last three snoozes, Rod is quasi-awake scratching genetalia. Rod climbs out of futon, takes three steps and takes a whiz in the grass. Rod looks at clock. Rod freaks out due to oversleepage and realization of guaranteed late for work situation, and enlists into full-hustle-prevent-so-late-could-be-fired-today mode. Rod then climbs into jet fuel powered funny car, starts engine, and mashes gas pedal.

at this point, toddler has been riding bicycle for about an hour, all over the drag strip with no regard to lane designations. toddler leaves assorted clothes/toys/food all over the track as hazards for Rod to dodge. we are unsure whether this is strategery on the toddler's part or if it is complete disregard for actions and/or so-busy-no-time-to-pick-up-after-myself mode. either way, Rod must clear track of said items as he races down track at warp speed. Rod sometimes dodges obstacles just out of survival. Rod finishes race in 12 and a half minutes, toddler finishes race approximately 5 min after Rod. Rod is the victor. toddler looks on in amazement of Rod's ability to sleep during most of the race, then still finish before toddler.

man: 1
woman: 0

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

greatest hits? & retire now please

i was looking for the theme song to the Sopranos on iTunes this morning (it is called "Woke up this Morning" by A3) and took a perusal around the front page of the music store. to which i found Greatest Hits albums for the following bands...

blink 182

i thought greatest hits albums were reserved for bands that had stood the test of time and had an entire repertoire of music over their career to draw from, and that were great and successful hits in the public arena. not so. NOT SO, amigo. the title "greatest hits" is now synonymous with "i have released one or more albums in the past and need some money, so buy this album". it is also synonymous with "i self-promote my music career thru one hit wonders and/or my terrible acting on the disney channel, and the only two people who think i should release a Greatest Hits album are my agent and my own mother, so buy this piece of trash album so i can continue spending $30k on ugly handbags and $90k on a car i drive to and from my hairdresser."

let me share a list of musicians and "imposter musicians" who have released "greatest hits" albums (i had to do some research, some one evidently beat me to this rant) :

the offspring (huh? you have 3 good songs, maximum)
the backstreet boys (no comment needed)
sheryl crow (as far as i can tell, you only have 4 albums. someone made a sheryl crow tribute album, which may be grosser than your greatest hits album.)
mandy moore (go away)
bette midler (you have enough music for a greatest hits album, however, you have TWO greatest hits albums. one released in '93, the other in 2000. the 2000 greatest hits album has all 14 songs from the '93 album, in the same order, and you added 4 songs to that. gross.)
hilary duff (you dont even have A top 10 single. you also only have 29 songs. how does one justify a greatest hits album of 12 songs, when you only have 2 albums to draw from? by the way, your music sucks)
britney spears (vomit)
sugar ray (i veto your request for greatest hits album)
martika (you may not even know who this is. she had that song "toy soldiers" circa 1985 and that was it. released so-called "greatest hits" album after eminem sampled toy soldiers in one of his songs)

thats just sorry. please recall all taxation without represenation style greatest hits albums. you do not warrant such notoriety.

bands that should retire immediately, if not sooner:
the rolling stones
bon jovi
michael jackson
barry manilow
elvis costello
paul mccartney
bb king
green day
neil young