Tuesday, August 30, 2005

VMAs, hurricane reporters, mda003 update

i very much concur with andTim in regards to the video music awards. i could not have thought of many other things that would be a bigger waste of time than watching that. Diddy was boring, 50 cent's performance was aggrevating because every other word was cut out due to inappropriateness, the killers are overrated, mr chemical romance sucks, and coldplay was weak. the only bright spot was kelly clarkson going crazy with the finale. i thought that was great and i am not a kelly clarkson fan. she let loose, really got into it, and didnt care if her screams were what people wanted to hear or not. she rocked.

i could rant about the next topic for a while. i find the news depressing and stressful most of the time, and most news reporters bother me due to their overdramatic reporting. my dislike for reporting was further reinforced yesterday during the Hurricane Katrina coverage. i was at chili's with a couple buddies from work and we sat at the bar to eat lunch when fox news was covering the hurricane. they had a dude out in the actual hurricane (circa 110mph winds) in a raincoat gettin blown around and poured on trying to report. the dude fell over multiple times, and only about 15% of his reporting was audible. let alone that there are zero other humans outside or anywhere near this situation. what does this report add? if you cant hear the guy and he cant even stand up, is this not completely worthless? we know there is a hurricane there and everyone should have either evacuated or gone to the superdome. so what the heck is this guy doing out there? i dont get it.

in recent micromanagement news, the mda003 has been at full throttle today. the first half dozen times mda003 got up out of chair, the agent literally stared over my shoulder for 5 seconds each time. no exagerration. so, i have been doing a loud "HMMMMMM" every time from about the third time forward. i think next time i am just going to turn around and say hello. then i will rip a massive fart. i promise to keep you posted.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Near Death and VMA's

This weekend was our annual Young Life leader retreat which was good fun and productive. However, we decided to play whiffleball from 2-4 pm on what might have been the hottest day of the year. The thermometer outside was reading 100 degrees in the shade. Needless to say, it was a high-intensity game, with my team winning. Of course, with the lake right there we all decide to jump in after the game and swim around. And... there is an island roughly 500 m offshore. So I decide to swim there and back. Upon returning back from the island, amidst severe dehydration and overall physical tiredness, I lay down on the ground with approximately 1% of total energy still available. I say 1% because after 2o minutes of laying there I actually could get up on my own power and walk into the condo for water. But I was down to 1% for sure.

The VMA's were of course dissappointing. Lots of hype, lots of boredom. If Green Day's little pop album was half as decent as Dookie, it might have deserved 1 nomination. But it won 7 awards, which speaks to the fact that MTV just wanted an album with an anti-Bush stance to receive extra-recognition. I hate jewelry. Men with jewelry suck. If you have diamonds on, and you are male, stop it. Who cares? All of this makes me long for the music of the early 90's- Grunge in all of its glory, flannel shirts and pants with holes in them, and Hip-Hop that was intelligent or fun. At least NWA had some legitimate social statements to make. The Beastie Boys didn't take themselves to seriously. Now we are stuck with sex and money being the ONLY themes in hip-hop. There are very few hip-hop artists out there who will come even remotely near expressing artistic value in their lyrics or music. This will be a theme in future blogs, my ranting about the abysmal state of hip-hop (and most of rock, too), so get used to it!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

as promised...the beast list

(in no particular order, except for Jesus who is the Ultimate Beast)

1. William Wallace
2. Gen. George Patton
3. Dick Butkus
4. Gen. Stonewall Jackson
5. Ronnie Lott
6. Bruce Lee
7. Wyatt Earp
8. Sampson
9. Ty Cobb
10. Wilt Chamberlain
11. Genghis Khan
12. Moses
13. Jesse Owens
14. Martin Luther King, Jr.
15. Lance Armstrong
16. Guy who cut leg off w/ pocket knife
17. The Crocodile Hunter
18. Benjamin Franklin
19. Einstein – intellectual beast
20. Old guy who married Anna Nicole Smith
21. Ghandi
22. Davie Crockett
23. Michael Jordan
24. Dat Nguyen
25. Nolan Ryan
26. The Red Baron
27. Bobby Knight
28. Magellan
29. The Vikings – not the football team
30. Mr. T
31. David Hasselhoff
32. Charlton Heston
33. Jesus – Ultimate Beast *
34. John the Baptist
35. Leonardo Da Vinci
36. Lawrence Sullivan Ross
37. Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa w/ him

38. Sherpas
39. The Pilgrims
40. Saul/Paul
41. Andre the Giant
42. Evil Knievil
43. Bo Jackson
44. Babe Ruth
45. Magnus ver Magnussen
46. Muhammad Ali
47. Frank Sinatra
48. John Wayne

** John Glenn – Honorary beast

the list above was generated in the order that they are listed, except that Jesus was known to be the Ultimate beast and was given the number 33 due to biblical reference. the thought process of the sequence in which this list was compiled cannot be explained, but is pretty damn funny. it was a mere discovery of greatness. Several hopeful beasts are up for candidacy and are being evaluated by the board of beast as we speak. please nominate any candidates in a reply comment to this post.

The Official Beast List Committee includes the following:
Magnum T.I.

The Official Beast List compilation provided by Beerbachsteinlagerfestivusfortherestivus, who is the official keeper of The Official Beast List.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

read "the regime...and the resistance" before this

the mda003 chronicles
day one transcript
data clock turned on @ circa 905am, 08/23/05


6pm dismissal



number (time of day)
.. (leaves cubicle)
: (return to cubicle)
= (my approximate lunchtime)
no l after .. or : means that no micromanagement look was administered
l1 (level 1, quick glance, fraction of a second)
l2 (level 2, can identify colors and possible non-work activity, between half second and 1.5 sec)
l3 (level 3, average look, can see more or less what i am doing, lasts for approx 1.5 sec)
l4 (level 4, strong look, can identify what is open and possibly specific details/text if i cant hit "alt/tab" fast enough, lasts more than 2 seconds, but not more than 5 seconds)
l5 (level 5, the highest graded intensity strike. this is sometimes accompanied with a "sa" or worse yet, a "RED". this is a full on stare a hole in the monitor type look, usually while approaching my cubicle. everything on my screen is visible and identified with a level 5)
ABORT (worst possible scenario. RED is a guarantee. all activities aborted, work or non-work related as panic ensues. often the computer monitor is blocked by loose leaf paper or large folders. last resort-monitor turned off and induced vomit is used to distract the mda003.)
RED (code red. all non work windows are closed and worker stands up and leaves the cubicle area)
awol (Absent WithOut Leave. no knowledge of the mda003's whereabouts are known because the mda003 has left the work premises by car)
wp (with purse. wop would indicate without purse. this is critical because wp usually means extended awol)
/ (slashes just indicate breaks in code)
w002 (with 002. agent 002 is the highest ranking agent on site. agents 001, 002, and mda003 are the three founders of the regime. agent 001 has retired and is now a "consultant" for the company. 002 has the most power, but if i were to give 002 the title of 001, he would like it too much)
laird (surfin the web between last two time postings)

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

No Phone Calls

I recently went two straight days without a personal phone call. I am trying to see the positive in this, but it sucks. I like to have fun. I like to go places. Granted, I am living in a place without very many close friends, but two days? I don't fancy myself as the type where people think to themselves, "Hmm.... I want to go do something fun, who should I call? I'll call Tim!" But... c'mon. I left work at 5:15 yesterday, arriving home around 5:40. I had no contact with anyone until my roommate came home hammered at like 10:30. Scott comes home and receives approximately 15 phone calls over 2 hours. I accept that this is in large part due to personality differences.. eh. Sometimes I relish the quiet, but it blows sometimes too.

the regime...and the resistance

i currently have rather low motivation at work due to getting completely boned on my bonus at the end of last quarter, so i have devised a thing or two for entertainment purposes. the company i work for is inherently evil. if you do not believe me, ask any coworkers of mine. if you dont know any, then just take my word for it. i will write about its evil in future blogs. here is a little background:

for one, the regime here has redefined micromanagement. no employee is exempt from this scrutiny, but it bugs the hell out of all of us. the receptionist clocks when come in each morning, when we leave, when we step outside for a smoke break or just some fresh air, lunch clock in and out, all phone logs are printed and analyzed, hours at certain tasks are reported, no travel between the hours of 8am and 6pm, etc etc etc. it is terrible. there is a "spy" and has been identified as such (as if no one knew this already). much if not most of the spy's time is dedicated to listening to people's conversations, walking thru all cubicles looking at computer monitors, and going thru files while you arent at your desk. the spy takes smoke breaks at 5-10min intervals at strategic times of the day (early morning, lunchtime, 445pm till 630pm) to see when people come and go. i could go on forever on this, so let me just tell you what i have just implemented...

i have designated this person as "mda003". mda stands for Most Dangerous Agent, and the 003 is a similar numbering system to the Bond 007 system. the number is 003 because the spy is/was third in charge when the company was founded. mda003 leaves its cubicle 11,000 times per day at a minimum. so, i am going to track when mda003 gets up from desk, comes back to desk, and if mda003 looks at my computer monitor and at what intensity mda003 looketh. if mda003 and the regime are always watching me, i am going to always be watching them. i am compiling this data in a file each day and will post results on a semi-frequent basis to let you know the absurdity of the regime's micromanagement, and to ease my stress level due to their evil regime. nice.

Monday, August 22, 2005

highway sightings & flea markets

i drive about 35 miles each way to work everyday. i really need to start paying more attention to what other people are doing in the car like i did today. i saw a woman brushing her teeth with a battery powered toothbrush. not sure where she was going to spit, but i bet she had that planned out already. not 5 min after i saw her, i saw a car that had a rainbow gay pride sticker right next to a confederate flag sticker. i couldnt really make sense of that.

this past weekend was great. it was my brother's birthday on friday so i went to hang out with him for the weekend. i got a total of 8 hours of sleep over two nights i think. we did go walk around a bunch of flea markets on saturday, where i bought a box of unprecidented video game magic. jim found some lady that had a suitcase full of stuff, including nintendo, super nintendo, controllers, and a bunch of games for each. he got her to sell it for $20, so of course i bought it for that. it may have been the deal of the century. i forgot how great some of those games were. castlevania, super sprint, kid icarus, tecmo bowl. fun stuff.

Friday, August 19, 2005

gas / general public Q&A

like i said before, my office is always good for a source of comedy. at least i think so. two women and one dude were talking about how high the gas prices are right now and what the general public should do about it. both women support the mass email for no people to buy gas for one day. the dude says, "what about the people in europe? they have been paying 5-6 bucks per gallon for a while now." to which one of the women responds "yeah but there is no room to drive over there. plus they have rivers and boats they can get in." i have no need to comment on that, it speaks for itself.

also, i heard an interview of a cowboys football player on the radio yesterday, and he was asked the following questions (among others) and had the following responses:
1. who is the secretary of state?
answer: george bush
2. who is the speaker of the house?
answer: george bush
3. which continent is egypt in?
4. what is the current point of tension going on in Iran right now?
gas prices, gas, yeah

is it fair to say that the majority of the general public does not know the answers to these questions? me and andTim should do a study on this...

Thursday, August 18, 2005

make haste dutch squirrel, make haste

do you have people who power walk/jog through your office? people who are so busy that they are constantly redefining hustlemania on the way to their desk? i do not understand this phenomenon. perhaps you save a full second by running to your desk from the copier/fax machine. why? what does this do? as far as i am concerned, it raises the stress level, and makes other people in the office make fun of you. how can i not make fun of that? it is way too easy. there is this one dude who is probably 50 something years old, a little heavy set although is very committed to the fantasy world of the atkins diet, and he is a dutchman. how can i not call this dude the flying dutchman? he makes haste on every trip to and fro wherever his destination and usually has a bundle of coins and keys in his pockets that alert his hustlemanianess. picture a scared well-fed 5 foot 8 inch squirrel from holland, with pockets full of keysets from 30 high school janitors, darting around an office, frequented dropping papers/pens/binders and scurrying to collect them when they hit the floor. although i often do not like my job, i will never deny that it has a high level of entertainment/humor value.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Pen Names, etc.

Pseudonyms are good. Nice to know that Mike is now considering something that I, andTim, have had for awhile. My pen name is Randall Stevens. If you know where this comes from, you may be entitled to a small prize.

In light of the current gas pump price rape, I feel righteously prescient in my purchase of a small Mazda a couple of years ago. At the time, I felt the scorn and mockery of my peers who invested in large V-8 trucks and SUV's, but it is clear they are now envious of my 130 hp, 32 mpg wonder. Yes, it takes me 9 seconds to get to 60, but at $2.50+ per gallon, I see myself as something of a modern Nostradamus.

In a confession of regression, I have reacquainted myself with hotornot.com. I know this is a sad development, but I have almost given up on the traditional means of meeting girls. I went out Friday night to a bar/club with some friends and ran into a girl I knew from college there. She is cool and we were having fun, and I met one of her friends, who also went to A&M. This girl and I are having good conversation and generally enjoying one another's company, and we end up leaving the bar/club at the same time. I ask her for her number- which she gives me. I call her two days later, and leave a voicemail asking her out to dinner this Thursday. And? No response. Thanks. You might as well just tell me up front, "You know, I'm not going to give you my number, because I don't want to go out with you." That's fair right? Maybe I speak with a tone that hurts her ears, my nose is too big, I'm too short, I dance too violently... whatever. The outright rejection would be preferred. Thanks. Until next time...

Monday, August 15, 2005

el walmarto

i was at walmart yesterday and further confirmed the renaming of walmart to "el walmarto." i have experienced customers talking to el walmarto employees in spanish many times, but what happened yesterday was a first. over the PA system, someone comes on and rattles off about 5 to 6 sentences in spanish. i mean, what country is this? no english accompanied this announcement. i was stunned. i no longer can understand public announcements in my home state of texas.


Thursday, August 11, 2005

disappointment strucketh

since it is 837am, and my boss goes to a meeting at 830, sometimes i use my 10-15min respite from micromanagement to write a blog. as you will notice, i dont blog anywhere near everyday, so most of the time i am working and/or napping under my desk during this time. however, today i decided, "hey, i have never read any of the comments from our blog readers, maybe i should do that right now." and then, i was strucketh with the blues.

we have no readers. we have no comments. we have no purpose.

so i might go recruit some readers today. ya know, maybe give them a little somethin for the effort. a quarter each time they visit? i am sure we will work somethin out.


i have just made a goal for myself of writing a book and being finished with at least the rough draft in the next year. i really have always wanted to write one, although i do not feel that i have anything more to add to the great heap of read/unread literature out there already. but why not, lets write one. i mean, no one will notice another book on the shelves so i may as well get one up there with my name on it. or maybe a pen name. hmmm...

some possible pen names...

yanni wombattus
maggie mackenzie
trevor burrito
general sterling price
unka'alah mu'a'lala' [click, clock, cheep*] haaanusabba

please choose one for me.


* please make weird pygmy clickity cheeps with mouth during this portion of the last name