Tuesday, May 23, 2006

city citations courtesy of Old Man McManders

let me tell you a little story about Old Man McManders. see, McManders is rather old. he is also a man. it is not known whether this has anything to do with his name being Old Man McManders, so your guess is as good as mine. he and his alleged wife, Mrs. McManders live next door to us. they appear sweet and elderly (80+ years of age) but now that we have lived here for about a year, the McManders have retracted all mercy and kindness. by the way, their last name may or may not be McManders, i just made it up because it sounds terrific since he is an Old Man and his name is unknown. henceforth, "Old Man McManders." to give you a visual, he looks like any of the old dudes that were hiding under giant monster costumes in the old Scooby Doo cartoons when Fred and/or Velma de-masked the villain. old, wrinkly, and old. not to mention elderly.

about 3 weeks ago, my yard was getting to the point where it needed to be mowed. my wife was outside, and Mrs. McManders approached her in our front yard. i was at work or something, not really sure. she asks if we would like Old Man McManders to start mowing and edging our yard for us. my wife says "no thanks, my husband actually likes being outside and taking care of the yard, but we appreciate the offer." a very true statement. i do like being outside and taking care of the yard. it is a nice time. plus, now that i have rid the property of nemesis # 2 and its evil bunny children of mayhem, my grass looks great and we have a pretty lovely lookin yard. anyway, Mrs. McManders pushes the issue a bit and says they could really use the money and Old Man McManders would be interested in doing it. again, my wife respectfully declines. a little weird, but we kinda forget about it.

well, we forgot about it until this past weekend when i went out and got saturday's mail. i was feeling pretty relaxed, ready for a lazy sunday after church, when i come across a letter from the Homeowner's Association. FYI, the Homeowner's Association in most cases is an organization that basically does nothing except email you once a month about a bunch of worthless crap and neighborhood bally-hoo that no one attends or cares about. i wasnt really expecting any worthless Homeowner's Association mail, but i open it. it reads something to the effect that homeowners are "required to adhere to certain deed restrictions and architectural guidelines" and eventually the critical line towards the bottom reads "Your yard needs maintenance...Please mow and edge your yard on a regular basis."

oh really? i will tell you this...i mow the yard once a week. perhaps i have let it go till a tuesday causing a 9-day between mowings calendar. this has happened one time. are you thinking what i am thinking? Old Man McManders has declared war on my yardscape. yeah, he must have. a little bitter that we wouldnt pay his old timer retired self to come mow my yard. not my fault he isnt good enough at crossword puzzles and/or sudoku to have something to do during the day instead of bitterly call the homeowner's association and report my yard as being in need of maintenance. our yard has and has always been in the 90th percentile of nice lookin yards since we moved in. i am pretty hacked about this, so i will counterattack by declaring a "Yard-Off" between me and Old Man McManders. yeah, you heard me McManders. i will even unsecure my network so you can tap into my WiFi and log on to mikeandtim for this one time just so you are aware of the Yard-Off. i challenge you, McManders, to compete with me on who can have the better groomed and better lookin yard. i mowed my yard last week on tuesday, and mowed it again on sunday, edged it again, watered, and fixed some fence. bring it oldtimer, you cant hang with me you filthy tattletailin whiney hooligan! yeah! you are the hooligan! how you like that Old Man McManders?!?

Friday, May 19, 2006

chad smith = will ferrell

which one is which?

so maybe it is pretty obvious considering chad smith is holding drumsticks. but still, lets face facts here. these two guys are the same dude.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

name mike's dog

yes friends, you now have the ability to name mike's new puppy. we picked our puppy out from a breeder tonight south of Fort Worth and as you can see, she is pretty cute. she is a golden retriever and is 6 weeks old in this picture. now you can name her...if your name is good. please see photo above and propose a name in the comments...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

guest blog by reader "Ben"

7:30pm May15th, 2006
Hilton Hotel New Orleans, LA.

"Ben" enters hotel and walks to the desk to check in.

At the end of the check-in process an athletic looking male in "work-out" clothes interrupts the cute check-in lady and asks "do you have a hot tub".

She says yes it is outside by the pool.

He says thanks and leaves.

"Ben" finishes the check in and walks to the elevator and joins the "hot tubber" on the elevator.

Being the funny person that "Ben" is he says; "I heard you ask her where the hot tub is, but you forgot to tell her what time to meet you there."

After which "Ben" laughs while the "hot tubber" chuckles uncomfortable and says, "nah man, I'm too tired for all that, I gotta go relax"

"Ben" then says with genuine curiosity, "why are you so tired?"

The "tubber" responds, "mini-camp man"

"Ben" quips, "Oh, for what?"

The "tubber" astonished I did not know, "The Saints man"

"Ben" "oh, cool, you guys had a good draft this year" exits elevator. Wondering to himself if he will ever see this young man playing for the Saints....

Upon photo identification the hot tubber was confirmed as Reggie Bush.


80 MPH Speed Limit


Texas Legislators are considering a bill to raise the state speed limit on certain highways to 80 mph. I love it. In part because, well, I am adolescent enough to really enjoy driving fast. But, let's look at this realistically. Here are a few reasons why this is a good idea, and a way to debunk the detractors.

1) Average Horsepower Increase
The average horsepower for vehicle in 1980 was around 100. By 1995 the average had increased to an average of 150 hp. By 2004 the average had increased to 227 hp! Most people realize the huge jump in power and thus the jump in fuel efficiency at high speed. Let's put it this way... engine rpm's are usually the best indicator of fuel economy. If you were constantly running your 6-cylinder engine at 4500 rpm, it probably would not get great gas mileage. That's likely what would happen with a V6 sedan at 80 mph circa 1985. However, most V6 sedans produced within the last 10 years probably see between 2000 and 3000 rpm at 80 mph. Test it out. With cruise control on 80 mph, your car probably gets 90-95% of its optimum gas mileage. The average vehicle is also much more aerodynamically sound than those of 20 years ago. Have you seen a mid-80's Buick recently? Yikes.

2) Brakes
The brakes in the average vehicle have improved by leaps and bounds over the last 20 years. Newer cars even have sensors that auto-detect rapid approach to slow your car should you have a lapse of attention or whatnot. We can brake from speed at
much shorter distances than we have ever been able to before.

3) Airbags and Overall Safety Equipment
Better headlights, better seatbelts, "smart" airbags, side airbags, better bumpers. Our cars are the safest they have ever been by a
huge margin. Volvo doesn't even bother to advertise it's safety standards anymore because they aren't significant anymore. Every carmaker has caught up. Even GM.

There are lots of arguments to be had here, from the increased use of cell phones and the vast array of entertainment features that distract drivers as negatives, to the above positives. Are people not already routinely averaging 75-85 mph on most highways? All I am saying is that the excuse "I had no idea I was going that fast" is more valid now than ever. With the quiet, power, and safety of our vehicles, going 80 mph is just the beginning of where our speed limits should go. Now, if we can just forego cars altogether and focus on high-speed rail travel.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

bumper stickers in the wooded nowheres

its late, so this will not be a long post. just figured i would drop that caveat before you got overly-excited for a late night ramble blog. we probably need more of those though.

my wife and i were out looking for a golden retriever puppy tonight near Tyler, TX. ever been to Tyler? i am pretty sure there are more signs in spanish than english, which i find strange since it is pretty far from the border, but whatever. we didnt even go to the actual Tyler tonight but we went about 30 miles north of Tyler out to the "boonies". i was actually worried that we might have gone so far into the actual boonies that there were no ways out. we made it out though, which is good.

anyway, we were trying to find this breeder and are going further and deeper and further into the woods when we pass the home of where we need to be going. so i figure i will make the U-turn at the next available driveway. and oh did i. it was a rather slow turnaround because we were incessantly giggling at a bumper sticker we saw on the vehicle in the "driveway" we turned in to turn around. right in front of us was one of those vans with a ladder on the back, and in each window there was a bumper sticker that read...


actually it said I (heart) cornbread. we pretty much giggled every 5 min from then till we got home tonight. i mean...cornbread? really?

alright, time for bed. its late and we must go see another doggie breeder who is 90min outside of the DFW again tomorrow after work. oh yeah, go mavs. if i have time tomorrow i will write about a special interactive opportunity for you, the reader, and the intense intra-house rivalry between me and my wife in relation to NBA basketball.

Monday, May 15, 2006

how great (or terrible) is America?

it kinda depends on who you ask is suppose. take for example...

case one:
the ultra-liberal President Bush hater. not happy about the new border containment proposal with the use of the National Guard. not happy about there only being a few states where homosexual marriages are recognized. not happy about the defense spending. really not happy about the war in Iraq. not happy about the environmental stance of the current administration. basically doesnt support anything that is currently going on in this country unless it directly opposes George Bush.

case two:
the 45 year old mexican that risks death in a refrigerated truck to cross the border to hopefully find a minimum wage job so that he/she can support a family and/or send money back home to help others get legitimate citizenship and enjoy the benefits of living in America. happy about having a job. happy about the opportunities that await. happy about the chance that they may never have wicked bad diarrhea ever again from drinking water out of the tap. happy about maybe running for office one day and being mayor of a town in which they began a new chapter of family legacy.

the funny thing is...these people are supposedly on the same team. in general, both of these people would typically prefer the platform of the democrat. baxter...you know i dont speak spanish...

Friday, May 12, 2006

The Red Hot Chili Peppers

This is my no disclaimer all out expression of love for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Their new album is great. Stadium Arcadium- cool name, great sound. I have loved the Chili Peppers for a long time, in fact one of the revolutionary moments of my life was the first time I saw the video for "Give It Away". And I don't think "revolutionary" is too strong a term. The dancing, the hair, the tattoos, the music... it all spoke to me. Out of all the musicians and genres of music out there, I definitely feel the most attached to the Peppers.

Their early stuff was deeply influenced by the fun aspects of rock n' roll- Hendrix and punk-based, jump around the room, go crazy. Heck, one of their most popular early songs was called "Get Up And Jump". And when you hear the song, you actually want to do just that. One of the more underestimated forces in rock is the funk sound. With George Clinton producing and having a bass player who was a trumpet prodigy, their early sound lacked the dark, menacing aspects of heavy metal or grunge without losing any integrity due to lack of intensity.

They have never taken themselves seriously unless they had to. They are a party band first, playing shows only wearing sock. (Emphasize the singular "sock") It's unfortunate that they ever discovered heroin. They are the beauty and the debauchery of California at the same time. California is an idea that both drives and dictates the sound and concept of the Chili Peppers. Between the Beach Boys and The Chili Peps, California has a soundtrack that defines a very unique place.

Musically... my goodness. John Frusciante is an inferno. He joined the Chilis when he was only 18. Flea is probably one of the top 5 rock bassists of all-time and his sound helps define what makes the Peppers unique. And just ask Mike about Chad Smith's snare drum. I think he could write a blog just about the recorded sound of that drum. Anthony Kiedis' lyrics are a mix of fun-rap-seussical non-sense on the fun songs, deep and introspective on the heavier songs. They define rap-rock. They define alternative rock along with the Smashing Pumpkins, Jane's Addiction, Sonic Youth, the Pixies, and others.

Above all, the Chili Peppers are committed to their craft. It is their lives. They create iconic images and sounds which will influence generations. They are party anthems ("Aeroplane") and cold hungover mornings ("Road Trippin'"). They are sweaty, freaky, rollicking insanity ("Higher Ground") and honesty ("I Could Have Lied") at the same time. Stadium Arcadium is perhaps the ultimate statement for the Peppers, and one that should cement their place as one of the best bands of the last 20 years.

Monday, May 08, 2006

4th Place is The First Loser & Aliens, Robots, and Mutants

This weekend was supposed to be the big Triathlon. (Well, big for those of us who are not professional triathletes and just want to brag to friends that WE can swim, bike, AND run.) Alas, the weather did not cooperate as the swim and bike were cancelled. So we had a 5K fun run. I was hanging in the back with some friends where I thought that we would kind of just have fun. Well, shortly after the race began we began to get separated and about a 1/2 mile into the race I started to go. My time? Right around 22 minutes for what was apparently 3.2 miles. Respectable, but not fast.

The disappointment?

The 1st-3rd place winners in each age group won prizes. I got 4th. Are you kidding me? If I had known there were prizes on the line I would have booked it! Anyway, there will be more triathlons as the summer progresses, and hopefully no more 4th place finishes.

Mission Impossible III was good. Not great. Entertaining, a few good little plot twists- basically what I was expecting. The first one is still the best- a really great script.

I think we have actually gotten to the point where the only feasible action heroes in the future will be Aliens, Robots, and/or Mutants. At some point the ridiculous stunts that are portrayed in the genre are going to exceed the audience's willingness to suspend disbelief. If we take a look at some recent and current action flicks- I, Robot (Will Smith is part bionic, a more "human" robot plays the sub-hero), the X-Men trilogy (a fun take on mutated genes- although there is NO proof of beneficial mutations ever happening in human history- bring it Darwinites), and the upcoming "new" Superman movie (Superman is an alien after all) we realize that we are getting to the end of what we actually expect humans to be able to do.

I propose someone make a movie whose main character is an alien sent to Earth for what other reason- to save Earth from evil HUMAN forces. However, the alien's parents in their far away galaxy fail to properly study "War of The Worlds" and their little infant immediately faces life threatening conditions upon encountering the utter filth of the viruses on our planet. Fortunately, he is discovered by a renegade biologist/mechanical engineer who gets a chance to test out his borderline insane theories and inventions on his newfound child- but- all as a benevolent gesture. (So as to end comparisons to Dr. Banner, Bruce Banner's pops in the Hulk). Due to changes in the earth's atmosphere brought about through gases emitted from the rotting heaps of giant batteries used by the first generations of hybrid vehicles (this movie would have to be set in the future- allows for more suspension of the aforementioned disbelief) the vehicle the child is inside of slams incredibly hard into "pick-your-farmland-of-choice", thus ripping the child's left arm off. (For those of you who think that battery acid would be in liquid form, and thus never become a gas- you forget that in the future, the earth will be a nice tepid 100-150 F everywhere which will actually aid in the evaporation process of the battery acid. Conveniently, the "farmland" will also be a ridiculously hard surface due to 50 years of drought which allows for the violent landing/arm-ripped-off part of the plot to be more feasible.)

The child will then be raised as an alien/robot/mutant- the mutant part comes from his crazy pops having to find a way to instanteously heal his rapidly deteriorating non-human body. He will get shot 18 times when his family is forced to move to the 'hood- after his father and mentor dies suddenly by giant windmill blade on their windfarm. (Re: early 21st century nostalgia for 50 Cent and the windfarm of Mi III) The child will somehow persevere through his government-sponsored mentorship program and his inherent advantage of being an alien. He will go on to fight a giant secret army of half-human, half-robot beings (deliberately stolen from... I mean in homage to... Star Wars) that are sponsored by the joint powers of B.O.B. (Big Oil Boys) In the end, he wins, but still feels incomplete- a problem that is solved when his asexuality is discarded in favor of marriage to Jake Gyllenhaal, the patriarch of a vast polygamous homosexual empire. Jake Gyllenhaal- the gay Hugh Hefner of the polygamous future. The only reason he marries? Tax benefits.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

"473" and king tut's penis

the importance of the number 473? well, it is the number of views we have had of our profile. what is wrong with you people? are there really 473 of you whom would like to find out more about mikeandtim? if so, perhaps we should auction/raffle some kind of event with mikeandtim. or just mike. or just andtim. maybe more people have viewed the profile hoping for a peek at the triathlon trained andtim. or perhaps to see the untraithlon trained mike. or perhaps i am just typing so i do not have to review this contract with an air force base in hawaii. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. reminds me of a good Cake song.

check out that picture at right. you can actually see king tut's mummified genitalia. this came across as a headline on google and the headline read "King Tut's Penis Rediscovered" and was a story from the Discovery Channel News Website. so of course i had to click on the story, and it had this picture! i really dont care how immature it is to giggle at this story and picture because i couldnt help it. its funny. the article actually mentions that speculation was that king tut had a small penis, but was then reconsidered by mummified penis specialists whom claimed it was of traditional/standard size and shape. well done. our research tax dollars at work.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

sprinkler system, golf, hammer strength

i have been getting quotes to install a sprinkler system for my yard and the following have been provided:


after coming up with a list of questions, i contacted each contractor and attempted to find out what the huge differences in cost were all about. the conclusion was that all three of them use the same parts made by the same manufacturer, same warranty on parts, all insured, all restore yard to previous condition, etc etc. the only difference is that the high estimate has a 3 year warranty on workmanship while the other two only have one year. so, is it worth an extra $1,600 for two more years of warranty? i guess we will find out. i am going with the low bidder, whom after i checked with the Better Business Bureau has zero reported complaints/incidents, while the others have a minimum of 3. hmmm. i will keep you posted.

i bring this up because it (in theory) will remedy the tactics of deception and evil that Nemesis # 1 once presented. somehow i think i may actually get sprayed more often with the auto sprinkler than i did with the portable $10 sprayer that attached to the hose.

i have been playing some golf lately, mostly after work. i go with a good buddy of mine who is a previously posted "Featured Reader." For sake of concealing his identity, we will call him "Ben". Ben and I have been playing assorted par 3 and par 3/4 courses in the area and he is currently up 4 strokes on the overall total. filthy goblin.

i have also been working out at lunch at the local gym. this place i go to looks like somewhere Apollo Creed would have pumped iron in Rocky II. no one dares to use the showers due to suspectivity. these things have discoloration that should not exist in them. the place is cool though, makes me feel like i am getting a good workout in. of course i am limited to lifting weights though and no cardio since i am not able to shower there. i also get daps from the dudes that work there when i leave. yep, me and a few buddies from work are pretty much the only honkies that have ever set foot in this place.

have a good wednesday. and if you are a Spurs fan i suggest you root for them in spanish by saying "va spurs va" in place of the well known "go spurs go".