Friday, October 28, 2005

espn, today's parents (teaser)

the longer i watch espn and/or listen to their radio show in the morning (only when the Ticket is on commercial) the more i dislike it. i used to love the espn. sports all day every day. however, due to their lineup of employees, i am becoming less and less fanatical. on my drive in this morning, i toggled to Mike & Mike in the morning (Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic) and they also had the legendary of suck special guest Mark "Stink" Schlereth on to run down this week's NFL games and "analyze" them. the only comment i can remember accurately was by Schlereth (i have no idea why his nickname is stink, but its a terrible nickname) and he was asked to give his prediction/keys to the game of the Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots game. his comment was...

"the Bills allow over 150yds rushing per game, and that spells out one thing. Co-rey Dil-lon. he should be able to run a lot and i pick the patriots to win."

now, my problem with this is that any chimp with internet access could execute that "analysis." here you have two former NFL players turned ESPN analysts, where their job is to watch and analyze football for a living, and the best Schlereth can come up with is that? you suck. you have just proved you have no additional knowledge or contribution to NFL analysis and have no business being an analyst. you are no longer considered an analyst, you are "Sergeant Suck". that is your official nickname from now on Schlereth. if it was that easy, we would all be analysts and picking winners in the NFL would be easy. you are terrible. each comment they proposed to picking game winners was that simple and uninsightful and further reinforced my love for 1310 the Ticket.

i was going to write about parents and protecting their kids from all things (including discipline) but i will wait for a future blog. so, there is the teaser for a future blog. maybe it will bring you back to our site next week just to see how much parents bother me...

song of the day: "Miami" by U2

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

No Stros Beard, General comments, Rosa Parks

Given the Astros lack of success with my attempted beard, and their collective shaving of their beards- I am back to my clean shaven self. I can't say that I like it more, but I will do whatever I can in order to get the baseball gods to smile on the Stros once again.

A few comments in general:

-People who equate the gay rights movement now, to the civil rights movement of blacks in America over the course of our history, are in need of a beating.

-Girls who are spiritually attractive. It's a concept worth writing more about.

-I hit a golf ball 175 yards with a 9-iron yesterday. That is good, I don't care who you are. (Bring it, Tiger)

-Blogmaverick is Mark Cuban's blog. It is worth reading.

-"Kermit the Blog" is the best name for a blog I have heard yet.

-The World Series announcers are the Captains of Obvious. My sister could make more interesting observations. Tim McCarver- how the mighty have fallen.

And finally.......

-My favorite thing about Rosa Parks? The Outkast song with her namesake. Dig that harmonica solo!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Stros Beard - Day 4, Rosa Parks, Dwayne Parcells

and there it is. my Stros Beard that was started on Saturday, the first day of the world series. the pictured Stros beard from before was actually shaved before this new Stros beard was begun. so we have reached day 4, and the thing is downright unprofessional. not a beard, not clean shaven, its facing resistance in the workplace. tomorrow morning i will clean it up a little bit, shave the neck so i dont sport the greek orthodox beard (not that there's anything wrong with that. papa Iosif, your neck beard is terrific.)

Rosa Parks died today at the age of 92. one thing i didnt know was that she was actually sitting at the front of the then called "colored" section of the bus when she was asked to get up so that a white man could sit down. i always kinda figured she was sitting in the whitey section. i would say it makes the whole situation even more controversial that she was sitting in the designated area she was supposed to be allowed to sit in when she was arrested. i cannot imagine a segregated america like that, it must have been so terrible. although there is still lingering prejudice and racism, i am glad we have at least rid our country of the blantant evil and atrocity of a segregated people.

in other news, the New Jersey Con Man (assist Mike Rhyner) has mal-coached yet another Cowboys victory, and half pushed-shoved his play sheet into the offensive coordinator's chest during the game. the city of dallas is getting pretty skeptical on whether or not this dude is a positive or negative influence on the team, and some have already been proposing ideas for a head coach replacement. maybe we can work a deal out with the Texans and just swap the New Jersey Con Man for Capers...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Stros Year, choose 1 of 3, Nemesis # 2 Update

Stros are goin to the World Series. get excited. great game last night, i am so happy for the Biggio and the Bagwell who have invested the last 15+ years to a team with the hope of winning a championship. now they have their chance. go Stros. its the Stros year.

for today, you are to choose to do one of the following:

1. invent a battle cry
2. purchase the Red Hot Chili Peppers - Blood Sugar Sex Magik cd
3. go by your middle name only

and in closing, as i walked outside of my front door this morning, i noticed Nemesis #2 enjoying a munch emporium in the front yard of my NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR! i may have underestimated the trojan-horse-like effect of the cayenne pepper. it is possible that the bitch ass bunny rabbit munched down on some "spicy grass" in my yard yesterday and paid a price with a sore butthole, thus forcing the varmint to search other lawns for the non-spicy. this will require daily updates on the lasting effects of said "spicy grass" impact.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

victory strucketh by nemesis # 2, astros beard

the bunny has won again. evidently the Cayenne Pepper did not put up much of a fight. after two days of battle, the bunny returned to the yard to munch down on some front yard salad bar. bitch ass bunny rabbit. i suspect that the Cayenne Pepper was diluted due to my watering of the yard using Nemesis #1. thus reinforcing my theory that Nemesis #1 and Nemesis #2 are collaborating efforts to actually thwart grass growth.

in a very desparate and embarrassing rage, i hurled my car keys at Nemesis #2 upon arriving home from work when i saw that it was munching down on the front yard in a very public and spiteful "Victory Munch". i then chased the rabbit out of my yard and taunted him with rather inappropriate language and gestures.

as you will see in the picture on the right, i have joined the coalition for 'Stros success by beard growth. i did not shave this morning (maybe you cant tell, but take my word for it) and will not shave until the 'Stros reach the World Series*. this is not a respected decision at my workplace and i am not sure how long i can go before they force me to shave. however, i will put forth my best efforts to continue beard growth regardless of resistance. i encourage you to also grow the " 'Stros Beard" to show your support.

*denotes only effective for 2005 season

Monday, October 17, 2005

This Week's Matchup

Cayenne Pepper (Challenger)


Defending Champ: Bunny Rabbit
(aka "Nemesis #2")

This week's matchup in the front yard...reigning champion grass eater/killer defending its title of geographic dominance against an up and coming bold and spicey challenger from the great country of Mexico...CAYENNE PEPPER EMPORIUMMMMMMM
Nemesis #2 has thus far defended its title thrice against previous challengers known as "Aggressive Sprinkler of Havoc", "Angry Charging Homeowner Pre-7am" and "Raging Tornado of Fury Homeowner Post-9pm". Nemesis #2 has thus far conquered all challengers and if Cayenne Pepper Emporium does not defeat the current champ, the next challenger will be "Fake Screeching Owl of Bunny Death Statue". Details will be posted during this week's matchup.

Weekend and Nicknames

Good weekend was had. Didn't get much sleep, but the Astros won both games and I got to go dancing at the Mercury Room Saturday night. The weather in South Texas is great right now. 60's at night, 80's during the day- beauty.

We have a guy in maintenance here who is a great co-worker. He is a black man in his mid- 50's and goes by Kenny. Everyone loves him. My favorite thing- he calls me "Youngblood". Typical conversation as Kenny walks by my office:

"What's up Kenny?"

"How you doin' youngblood?"

It has to be said with a slightly rural tone to it, with the laid-back attitude of a blue collar man with style. I'm the only one he says it to. That's Kenny. He is cool.

I also challenge Swiss (Scott) to not use a pet name with Cindy for one week. They are pet-name-out-of-control. He may actually say, "I take you Ah-Sweety-Ah-Boobkins Russell" at the altar. I put $5 on it.

Friday, October 14, 2005

top 5 worst rules in all of sports

overall, the rules of sports are terrific. people love sports. i love sports. you love sports. the rules are good. except for the following...

5. GOLF - Scorecard Signing/DQ rule: the scorecard must be signed by everyone and their nanny after a golfer has finished his round on the PGA. if this procedure is not followed correctly (the golfer must sign his scorecard while in the scoring verification area) the golfer is disqualified. why? there are video cameras set up at each PGA tour event videoing every golfer's moves and shots. is that not good enough evidence to validate a golfer's score? the rule states that if both feet touch the ground outside of this designated area for any reason and the golfer has not yet signed his card verifying his score is correct, the golfer is disqualified. stupid.

4. SOCCER - Offsides: i hate this rule. if an offensive player is closer to the opposing goal than all non-goalie defensive players when a ball is kicked to them/that side of the field, offsides is ruled and the other team gets the ball. this is a terrible rule! i hate soccer, so that doesnt help my opinion on this, but this rule is awful. this rule prevents scoring. hello... soccer needs scoring badly. playing 90 minutes and quite possibly be tied 0-0 or have a 1-0 score is not a good sport. especially when there is no distinct offense/defense posession. if someone wants to cherry pick in soccer, either have a defender on him or leave him unguarded. i dont understand why this is a problem that needs the offsides rule to correct. this just is boring as hell. thats why no one cares about pro soccer. i only know one pro soccer player's name, and thats only because i went to high school with him. more goals would be good for soccer, not bad. put that in your book.

3. FOOTBALL - Ineligible receiver downfield: this is stupid. if a lineman decides to run downfield to catch a pass (or get hit in the back with one on accident, resulting in Illegal Touching, another dumb rule) thats his problem. again, why must there be restrictions on who can catch a pass and who cant? i dont see that much difference between throwing to a lineman and throwing a screen pass. get rid of this rule. everyone gets a giggle when a huge lineman is rumbling downfield with a football. we need more of that kind of excitement.

2. SOCCER - Correction Time: this isnt a "rule", but its worth mentioning because of how dumb it is. not only is soccer the only sport that counts its time up, it also decides that "we are too lazy to stop the clock when the ball goes out of bounds or there are fouls" so they have this mystery time over the 90 regulation minutes to where they let the game continue. no one knows exactly how much time there will be in this extended play except for the head referee. use the damn scoreboard how it was meant to be used. start with 45min per half, count down, and when there is no more time, the game is over. i have nothing else to say.

1. BASEBALL - Dropped Third Strike: so much talk about the Angels/White Sox game two nights ago when after striking out, the ball allegedly hits the ground as the catcher is catching it, catcher rolls ball out to mound thinking the game is over, and all of a sudden we have a runner on first base, game not over yet. i have multiple points to make about this, so i will do so in an ABC format...

a. the play is scored "K, E-2". someone explain how the catcher made an error in this case. or any case? so, if the pitcher thows a bouncepass to the catcher and it bounces 10 feet in front of the plate, but the batter is dumb enough to swing at the ball and miss, and the catcher fields it cleanly...the rule says that is an error on the catcher? you sense make no.

b. if you are batting and swing at a pitch that is so far out of the strike zone that it hits DIRT, you have no business on first base. go back to the dugout and think about how not to suck next time.

c. why do we have this rule? has anyone asked that question? what are we trying to avoid by having this rule in place? i cannot come up with a logical answer to this. 3 strikes and you are out. end of discussion.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

The Doldrums

The Doldrums (I believe) are an area near the equator where the wind does not blow much at all. This was largely relevant to the times when Frigates and Galleons crossed the Atlantic. I feel like I am in the Doldrums at work. I want to have my own ship to take in my own direction. Right now I have no wind at my back or my front. It's an odd feeling. I have stored up ability and knowledge (like an apprentice on a mighty ship with as many 30 cannons) of heaters, thermocouples, and controllers and am ready to sell. I need some wind in the sails of my sale-ship. I probably need more sleep too.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

nemesis # 2

i hate the bunny rabbit. sure, they are cute and are super-duper around easter time, but right now i hate them. they are evil. these little bastards currently take refuge in the bushes in my front yard and at night they come out and munch on the new grass that i am trying to grow. this enemy in combination with my nemesis #1, the sprinkler, are quite a strong duo of punishment. first, i chase off bunny rabbit, then i position sprinkler/soak myself, then bunny rabbit returns and i must chase again, often thru the sprinkler. no bueno. i have been researching on how to rid the bunny and will most likely buy a wooden owl and sprinkle tabasco all over my yard to deter. i will keep you posted on what does and does not work, and if i cannot find anything that does work, i may have to go buy a pellet gun.

Monday, October 10, 2005

this dude is ripping off my look

i bet you didnt know that i won the US Open in 2001...

seriously though, this Lleyton Hewitt character is ripping off my look. somebody told me the other day that i look like Lleyton Hewitt. so i did some research. if i wear a hat backwards its like i am watching myself play professional tennis on tv. one of us needs to grow a beard or people are going to get us confused. i may just stop wearing hats backwards.

i may challenge Mr. Hewitt to a tennis match someday. that way he could play himself. except that i would have to play tennis for the next 50 years straight to make it a worthy match. Mr. Hewitt, you are quite the handsome dude by the way...

The Best Astros Game Ever

Yesterday had to be the best Astros game ever. The '86 game against the Mets is now number 2. It was just awesome. Comebacks, great plays, close calls, out of position fielders, unlikely heroes (Ausmus and Burke), and great pitching (both bullpens). Truly, the Astros and Braves rivalry has taken another step and future matchups should prove to be all the more intense. Maybe at some point we can have our own Red Sox/Yankees of the National League.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

my nemesis = lawn sprinkler

looks harmless doesnt it? hardly. the evil machine pictured on the right is my actual nemesis. it is terribleness parceled in a manufactured product. just add water and you have one of the more hazardous items you can find in your garage. a few things to note about this villain...

1. rather harmless until provoked by administering a "hose enema".
2. often flops around like a fish out of water when turned on. when this occurs, the only way out is to either run away or chop off hose enema using a machete at some point between flopping nemesis and faucet.
3. has a "control knob" close to its base that is more enticing than a tennis ball to a labrador. one thinks that this machine can be controlled using this control knob, but more often than not, the control knob causes the "angry metal sprayer bar of horror" to shoot water directly into the users eyeball. this will most likely cause the human to be sprayed with intensity and end up looking like a wet rat after associated battle with nemesis.
4. if the "control knob" and "unpredictable plastic bar of havoc" disengage from one another, you have caught the nemesis in its one and only one state of vulnerability. however, it is always advised to remove hose enema before attempting to reconnect "control knob" to "unpredicatble bar of havoc".
5. NEVER, EVER, EVER attempt to remove hose enema before executing a "faucet shutoff". this will result in a "soak all humans within 6 feet" attack.
6. dont ever mistake executing a "faucet shutoff" for complete and total sleep mode for the nemesis. this is never the case. a "faucet shutoff" should be followed up with very careful and planned subsequent measures of careful hose enema removal, and ultimately, nemesis removal.

please take this product of destruction seriously. you have been warned of its capabilities.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

history lesson

on this day in 1957, the first artifical satellite was sent into the sky and into the earth's orbit. thank the russians, the name of the satellite was Sputnik 1. and you thought you wouldnt learn anything on this site. shame.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Beautiful Frustration pt. 2

As a single guy I have a few different options:

1- dating
2- not dating
3- gay

I have decided to go with option 1, as I have determined that female companionship is a good thing. Somehow though, I manage to find myself in the odd predicament that comes about through the feast/famine dating phenomena.

During the past 3 months I have dated no one. Which is okay. Girls come and go. However, right now there are about 6 girls that I could ask out. I have gone from zero to 6 in about 2 weeks. And one of them leads the pack. She is the Beautiful Frustration. I don't know what do with myself when I am around her. Absolute kryptonite. I have zero powers around her. She has recently decided to re-enter my life when I am helpless to say no. But do you really want to say no to someone like that? Ridiculous "Melt Factor*" around the Beautiful Frustration. That's all for now, I have to give Mike props on his Stros' year prediction...... However, if you say that every year is it really a prediction or just delusions of grandeur? Maybe if they had Hakeem... who knows.

*Melt Factor is absolute lack of ability to think or reason in the presence of great beauty, both inside and out. Side effects may include: spending 5 hours making a stupid valentine, staying up until 3 am making a mix CD, general drooling, complete awareness of every personal physical imperfection (acne, untrimmed nose hair, etc), general thankfulness to God that he created women.