Monday, January 30, 2006


LeBron should be the MVP.

I don't care if Kobe went crazy with 81.

I don't care if Steve Nash averages 38 assists per game*.

I don't care if Kevin Garnett is good.

I don't care if Tim Duncan is good.

There are many others that are good, and I don't care.

LeBron is the one player out there that EVERY coach would choose to start a team from scratch with. He scores, passes, and rebounds. His defense may not be quite up to par, but I don't think anyone wants to go one-on-one with LeBron.

If LeBron does not win the MVP, then the award was given to the wrong player.

*May be exaggerated for the sake of emphasis and/or humor.

Friday, January 27, 2006

NEMESIS # 2 FOUND DEAD, oprah vs james frey

yes, it is true.

Nemesis # 2 has reached 50% death. i am not sure if i ever clearly stated that Nemesis # 2 is actually a creative, well-orchestrated evil partnership of two rabbits, but that is what they are. last night on my way home from work, i spotted a flattened rabbit in the street right before mine (maybe 50 or so yards from my house) which has been identified as the second half of the elusive and destructive Nemesis #2. i actually slowed down as i was passing it, then turned around to go back and verify what i had just seen. these little bitches are tough to eliminate, so i had to make sure. i almost got out of my car to take a closer look even, but then decided that the neighbors would think i was really bizarre. upon close review from my car, indeed, the bunny had been flattened into a bunnycake by an unknown vehicle. however, the first bunny (the larger of the two, i mean, this thing is huge) is still loose and reaking neighborhood damage. i actually saw him this morning fattening up in someone else's yard, to which i most certainly did not bother him since i want him to know its ok for him to munch down anywhere except for my front yard. oh yeah, and two days ago i sprinkled dried fox urine all over my front grass and havent seen one in my yard since. where does one get dried fox urine? the internet of course, and it has a money back guarantee to work in repelling the bitch ass bunny rabbit.

in a much smaller news story, Oprah interrogated James Frey (author of A Million Little Pieces) yesterday on her show after a wild goose chase of support/distancing of him and his book. she had him on her show a while back after branding his memoir with her stamp of approval and was very supportive and teary-eyed while they talked about the book, and rightfully so. since, it has been found that he lied about many accounts in the book, maybe more than he has disclosed even at this point, to which she originally deemed to be irrelevant since the meaning of the book is the same, but then received massive criticism for that stance, and then reversed decision and criticized Frey for conning her and everyone who has read it.

now, i am inherently anti-oprah, and i cannot really say why, other than it is just my gut feeling. i think she does countless great things for people, and women more specifically, but for some reason i dislike her. now that my bias has been disclosed, i would like to voice my opinion on this whole situation. i feel bad for james frey. i do. after seeing him on the show just get ripped by oprah (i really need to create a nickname for her) i feel bad that he has taken such a public beating for this. the guy did lie in the book and lied to her (and viewers) on the show, which is of course just plain wrong. however, i feel that Oprah is responsible for what she puts on her book club list. if she endorses books and grants instant popularity and best seller status to a book, she puts her name on it. does she have a reason to be angry at Frey? yes. i think she should have removed the book from her list publicly and distance herself from it, not bring the guy on to point the finger and clear her own name. my perception of why she did the show yesterday with him was to clear her name and vindicate herself from any and all responsibility/connection with her own endorsement of this book, and more importantly her name. dont agree with me? i will give you her quote from yesterday's show to support that in this case, it is all about oprah. after the publisher said that "the whole situation is sad", oprah responds with...

"It's not sad for me," Winfrey replied. "It's embarrassing and disappointing for me."
( By Howard Kurtz, Washington Post Staff Writer, Friday, January 27, 2006; Page A01)

why is it embarrassing to oprah? i dont understand that part. oh wait, yeah i do, it is embarrassing because of how she has reacted to this whole deal and now she needs to save face.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

The American Car Industry

I'll try to keep this brief. (Ha.)

Ford recently announced plans to lay-off a significant portion of its' workforce. This is sad, as largely undeserving people are going to soon be unemployed. Here are some reasons why:

1- Unions

American autoworkers are paid ridiculous amounts of money compared to a person of similar position overseas. This is due to unions who ask for every conceivable benefit to be provided to your average worker. Unfortunately, the entire premise of unions flies in the face of free-market economic theory. What do you get? Manufacturing shipped overseas. (See previous blogs regarding this topic)

2- Design

Have you seen an attractive CAR made by GM other than the Corvette? The answer is no, because their isn't one. Ford recently put alot of time and development into their Five Hundred model. It is available with a MAXIMUM of 203 hp. That is retarded. I can now get a Civic with that much power. I can also get a Nissan Altima with 250 hp. WAKE UP. The plastic bodywork and crappy instrument panels on a Pontiac Grand Am vs Honda Accord? Give me a break.

3- Quality

While this has improved, and is largely reflective of the driver involved, (My dad once drove a Ford Aerostar van 120,000 miles ON THE ORIGINAL TIRES. Amazing.) their is not a person out there who would pit an American car against a Japanese or German car in an endurance or quality competition. Think about this: Popular car racing in this country: NASCAR. Popular car racing elsewhere: Rally Car and Formula One. That right there should tell you that we have a problem. The fact that our primary racing league is set up for cars to go 200 mph in a straight line and then repeatedly turns left is a good reflection of the state of our engineering and mentality when it comes to the car.

4-Foreign Cars built in America

Many Hondas, Toyotas, and Nissans are built IN THE US. They have beaten us at our own game. Ford is announcing cuts in labor force in America, while Toyota continues to grow. That's why Dr. Swiss of Limberger makes approximately $2200 a minute. Keep it up Doctor.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

step inside the secret newsroom

friends (or "amigos" para tu/su/usted quien hablan espanol)

we have received many a complaint about the fact that one must log in to blogger and create a blog or create a site or enter all kinds of personal info, etc etc to post a comment. it is evident that the thousands (perhaps tens of thousands) of readers that currently visit mikeandtim on a weekly basis are rather frustrated that their opinions cannot be easily made known by comment. in fact, we are nearing capacity in the gmail account due to the flood of emails that we cannot contain nor keep up with.

henceforth, we have commenced the brainstorming sessions and blueprinting of the new and improved mikeandtim site. there will be one, and since we owe a shoutout for providing us with mad-like levels of success, i give it now (gracias el senor blogger para sus supporto buenos.)

many ideas are floating around in our discussion sessions and more often than not, the strategery involved in the new mikeandtim will be rather unparalleled, in a global sense. we have a committee working long hours to make sure the revamped site destroys all others. please know that you are the ones who have made mikeandtim what it is today, and we plan on designing the site around such, so that your views/thoughts/ridicule/folklore is accounted for and often featured.

now Dr. Swiss of Limberger, please go back to your pedicure. congrats on your promotion as well. oh, and if anyone is in need of a new Toyota automobile of any kind (purchase or lease, car, truck or SUV), please email and put "Dr. Swiss of Limberger" in the subject, and include your email andslashor other contact info and we will get you set up with Dr. Swiss and he will give you the mikeandtim discount. not a joke, there could be savings to be had.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Gender Speculation Symposium - Big Bird

lets face facts: i am really excited about a few of the upcoming creations that mikeandtim have developed in recent times. one of them is what we like to call "Gender Speculation Symposium" or GSS for short. since speculation and criticism are what mikeandtim specialize in, it seems to fit it quite well with the other nuggets of wisdomness that we have contrived in the past. we hope to add more organization by perhaps answering a short list of predetermined categories to add structure to the GSS in the future, but for now it will be more of a compare/contrast. so, please tell us what you think about the GSS and of course, your suspected gender of the internationally famous Big Bird.

i happen to believe that Big Bird is a man. this may be a bit of a surprise as at first glance Big Bird may give more impression of being female, based on voice pitch and looks. however, when one delves deeper into the personality and nuances of this very complex bird, one finds reason to believe it is male. granted, big bird is not the most masculine of male birds. he has a relatively high voice and a female looking hairdo, but he takes pictures like a dude. notice the awkwardness in the picture above. most males are awkward and goofy in pics and dont know where to put their other hand. also, the arm around the woman in the picture cannot be entirely seen, which would perhaps indicate that it is moving down to the lower back/butt region for a brushing/touching. Big Bird has also been known to frequent sports bars, have a preference for microbrewed beers, and be one hell of a foosball player. given all of these evidential factoids* one would only be able to conclude that the actual Big Bird is in fact male.

*denotes could be fact, but could just as easily be fiction

Thursday, January 19, 2006

President York: State Of The Union

My fellow Americans: 2006 brings us into another year of prosperity, freedom, and opportunity. As I have never addressed the nation at large, I must forewarn you that some of the ideas, topics, philosophies, and recommendations that I am about to discuss will likely create a certain level of conflict among you and perhaps, within you. Any words that merit being spoken to the masses are divisive and difficult to hear, but the intent and motive of my words are not to divide... but to unite for the purpose of mutual advancement.

We have long enjoyed the spoils of the labour of those that came before us. We are not a country without economic, legal, or political struggle, but for the most part we are the most materially blessed people that have ever walked the face of Earth. The freedoms that those who came before us perished to create are today used in a fashion so as to make the Olympic Gods blush in envy. This is a moment in which every American should look at themselves and remember the amazing opportunity inherent to their lives simply for being a citizen of this nation.

But our position is not one from which we are invulnerable to being displaced. Some will say we have begun a decline as a nation, some may say that those who say such are ignorant to true progress. And still others argue that looking at us as a nation in decline is at the least a broad euphemism. I must say that I fall into the last group. Let me preface this by saying we are a nation based on heroism and heroic efforts. We can look upon wars from our own Revolution up until the modern War on Terror and for the most part stand with pride at our efforts toward advancing freedom, equality, justice, and democracy throughout our own nation and the world. If there is a better standard by which to justify heroism, I only hope that I live long enough to witness it- and that it also comes from one of my countrymen.

We have grown obese as a nation. We have gone beyond our borders many times in our nation's history.. mainly to advance noble and just causes for oppressed and victimized brothers and sisters the world over. But we have lost our sense of self amidst our missions of goodwill. This presidency would first and foremost seek to curtail as much involvement in international conflicts as possible. This policy should not create a doctrine that could potentially compromise the freedom and safety of American lives, but it is an effort to get us to look at ourselves as an internally troubled nation.

A nation must have a moral code upon which to base it's laws. Anarchy is a wholly unacceptable and unsuccessful means to provide an environment suitable to the growth and protection of the human race. Anarchy is the inevitable outcome of an immoral and undisciplined people, and as much as it may seem a shock to many of you.. I believe that the mindset of our nation has become poisoned with the seeds of ultra-liberalism. Liberal thinking is a great thing, perhaps the ultimate celebration of a human mind given freedom to contemplate and create without boundaries. But ultra-liberal thinking leads us to a place of no definitions, no boundary lines, no up and down, no male or female, no good and no bad, no right and no wrong.

We must reclaim the standard that was set-up by which to create and enforce the laws of our nation. This standard must be the air in our lungs, the food which we eat, and the blood that flows through the body of a healthy and aware nation. It is my hope that all Americans would join me in seeking to follow more closely the greatest principles of the Judeo-Christian moral code. That we would not fear discipline as a restriction to freedom, but embrace discipline as the standard which compels us to seek to maintain our freedom. Without discipline we are just mindless entities who roam the landscape of the world seeking out our own pleasure without consideration for our fellow man. We have no fear for the fact that we are finite, fallible beings, that must continually seek to be in service to one another if we are to succeed as a race of beings in any way. More later.. the president has to work....

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

whats wrong with the Colts?

i cant figure out why this team cant get to the super bowl.

they have arguably the best defense in the AFC
the only two defenses in the league that allowed less points per game were Chicago and Carolina
they most certainly have the best offense in the entire league
they have the best quarterback
they have a top 5 RB, some would argue top 3 or even better
they probably have the best wide receiver troika in the league
they have a great coach
they probably have the best overall offensive/defensive line combo
they have the most accurate kicker in NFL history
they have playoff experience
they had home field advantage
they went 14-2 in the regular season

how has this team not made it to the super bowl yet?

perhaps peyton just needs to step up under center and stop conducting an audible symphony?
or perhaps they need to get rid of that unlucky horseshoe on their helmet?
you decide.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

awards show rant

anybody watch the golden globes last night? i saw part of them. the only reason i watch things of this nature is so that i can generate some material to rip them later. i hate awards shows. i hate every one of them. they are all crap. heres why:

1. i have never been asked for my opinion on a movie/show/music and therefore have no input to who gets the award. since i (nor anyone else i have ever known) have never contributed to who gets these awards, i consider the award completely arbitrary and worthless.

2. i have no idea who the people are who give out the awards. "The Academy", the "Hollywood Foreign Press" and "The Recording Academy". i have been unable to find a list of members and/or qualifications for who votes on these awards.

3. most of the time, the awards go to the person/artist/movie i least want it to.

4. when the person receiving an award starts thanking people, i daze off into nowherevilleland.

5. people who actually did real creative work receive awards in a parallel universe that we dont get to see because we arent concerned with creativity or goodness, just watching the stars. these awards are given at a previously recorded unknown time and place and are paraphrased in about 45 seconds between everybody loves will smith camera time and whoopi goldberg sitings. then when these creative and award worthy people do finally get some stage time, it is a lifetime achievement award for a person we have never heard of before.

7. they vote for gay liberal not good artsy crap, like brokeback mountain. any movie that has one dude saying "i wish i knew how to quit you" to another dude needs to be instantly included in the next waste drop to the middle of the ocean.

8. note to hollywood: the following people are not funny...billy crystal, dennis miller, whoopi goldberg, colin quinn, sandra bernhardt, anyone involved with the blue collar comedy tour, and the two girls that now do "weekend update" on SNL.

9. evidence that the grammys have no value:
guns n roses has never won a grammy
led zeppelin has one grammy, but its a lifetime achievement award, which doesnt really count
madonna's first non-music-video grammy came in 1999. yep, her songs before that werent very good or influential, no one likes them at all.
nirvana won one grammy, for their MTV unplugged album.
dave matthews band only grammy win is for "So Much to Say"
moby has zero grammys.
pearl jam has one grammy. what for you ask? "Spin the Black Circle" heard of it?
will smith has 4 grammys. thats more than everyone (except madonna) listed above combined.

enough rant. support good music. support good film. support good art.

Monday, January 16, 2006

The Next Nirvana

Would some band out there please step up and be the next Nirvana? How much longer do we have to endure the boredom of current pop rock music? (In a fit of rage.. andTim picks up his Bic mechanical pencil to stab himself in the eardrum... stopping just short of impaling himself.)

Mikeandtim are music aficionados. Music critics. Music appreciators. In fact, we both even play the guitar. Granted neither one of us has had much large-scale success, but we have found localised critical acclaim at times. I often feel that given a week of either of our lives, or a week of any your lives (our readers tend to be among the top 0.1% in the world in terms of academic brilliance, sense of humor, artistic creativity, and physical attractiveness) that a proper rock record could be made which would beat the pants off anything offered on "modern" rock radio.

There are the occasional encouraging flashes.. "Juicebox" by the Strokes, is probably the most recent.. but are we really content to allow our rock landscape to be ruled by bands like Death Cab For Cutie? Don't get me wrong.. Deathcab is decent, but they should stick to their indie thing and channel as much Sonic Youth, REM, and the Cure as they can.

I want ROCK. I want bang your head and shake your butt at the same time.. despite the physical consequences that such action might cause. I am willing to take on the risks of whiplash full-steam if it means keeping this pencil out of my eardrum. Guitar riffs with meaning.. The White Stripes meet Fatboy Slim. Linkin Park with a side of soul. A band who looks at the U2 albums Achtung Baby and Pop as the basis for a new brand of rock music. CREATIVE loud/soft dynamics. Multi-layered and textured bass lines. Proper use of drums (see: Meg White). And a vocalist who can channel heaven and hell (see: Robert Plant). Is that asking too much? This is a mission for America: We have 300 million people. Can 2-5 people out there somewhere make a relevant and revolutionary rock band to bring us out of this state of suck?

Saturday, January 14, 2006

1310 The Ticket features mikeandtim?

hey now sports fans. for those of you from dallas you have probably heard of "sports" radio 1310 the ticket. it is in fact the greatest radio station in America, and although it is sports radio, it is so much more. these guys inspire radio and humor entusiasts worldwide and are damn funny. although highly unprobable, mike (a devoted listener of the ticket) emailed the producer (Grubes) of the Hardline and nominated mikeandtim to be featured on the list of listener blogs. sure enough, the great Grubes reviewed the obvious mastery and scientifically proven goodness of mikeandtim and we have been added to a short list of blogs on the little ticket's own website. we are listed about midway down this page...

The Ticket

my personal goal is to get mike rhyner to read this blog at some point, since he is so openly anti-email and probably has no interest in what we do here at mikeandtim. but, thats what makes it a worthy challenge.

oh, and in another bumper sticker update, on my way to work yesterday there was a mid 80's toyota corolla with a sticker that said "GET OFF THE PHONE AND DRIVE". i fully support this sticker, and of course as i drove by this person i looked back to see what person of goodness would put such a sticker on their car, only to find that the driver was READING A BOOK. no further comment required.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

the gastrointestinal effects of coffee

although probably not an original or groundbreaking theory, i have often hypothesized about the effects of coffee on one's colonic activity, especially on an empty stomach. it seems that many times i have drank coffee and shortly thereafter felt the imminent need to visit what the germans call a "water closet". so, i decided for the benefit of myself and the confirmed three readers of mikeandtim, i should do a little research on said topic. here are the findings...

the Department of Internal Medicine at the University of Iowa College of Medicine did a study on the effects of caffeinated coffee, decaf coffee, water, and a meal on the colon. each subject consumed one of these things, 240ml (1 cup) of the liquids or a 1000 kcal meal, and the effects were documented. needless to say, one cup of caffeinated coffee had about the same effect on stimulating colon activity as the 1000kcal meal, whereas the other liquids stimulated drastically less activity.

in summary: upon drinking a cup of coffee on an empty stomach, your colon thinks you just ate a huge meal, but without the volume of food to occupy/slow down the colon, which in turn equals explosive diarrhea circa 5 minutes after consuming aforementioned cup of coffee.

once again proving that the theories of mikeandtim are always found to be proven exactly correct by respected scientists who know stuff and conduct experiments in labs.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

assorted religions and environment influence

i meet with 5 good friends of mine once a week for a bible study. we have been getting together for over a year now, which is cool. we have studied the book of Philippians, a book called "Celebration of Discipline" by R.J. Foster, and 1 Kings. after we finished up 1 Kings, we decided to delve into the discussion of other religions/cults and their differences from Christianity. now we have 9 guys in the group, and hopefully we will continue to grow as more people add more opinions, idealogies, and make for more complete discussions. there are two huge differences between Christianity and other religions that surfaced rather quickly:

1. in most other religions, man must do a given number of tasks (sometimes very specific) to earn salvation, or sometimes just the possibility of being eligible for eternal life. in Christianity, one must believe that Jesus Christ was God, that he came to die for the sin of mankind, was resurrected, and because of this act we can follow/believe in Him and be saved. the huge difference between the two ideas: in other religions we must earn our way and do things to bridge our sinful nature to God, in Christianity God came to us because we cannot do this on our own.

2. most other religions were founded after Christianity (judaism being one exception, there may be others) and were found by one person's unwitnessed, unverifiable vision or revelation from an angel or other supreme being. the bible is a historical account, written by several people over hundreds of years, some writing about the same events without knowing each other were writing, thus making it much more verifiable and historically accurate.

when discussing other religions it becomes more and more evident that religion in most cases is a biproduct of environment/heritage. so i ask the question, if you were raised in a Muslim home, would you be Muslim right now? if you were raised in a Jewish home, would you be Jewish right now? if you believe the religion you practice is the truth, when do you think you would have come to that realization if you were brought up in a home or environment of one of the other religions/cults?

Monday, January 09, 2006

response/guest entry (windy)

i think we more than owe our readers an occasional guest blog/good feedback post for those who email comments instead of leaving them. i just checked the mikeandtim email ( for the first time since october and there were almost 40 emails, so i promise to check it with more consistency. thanks to windy for her email in regards to andTim's infamous "The POSAS" blog (Nov 14). here it is for you to read...

Since I don't wish to sign up for a blog, I decided to email my comment to"The POSAS" post. Feel free to post it online if you wish.

You are absolutely right. It is stupid to give a number without thewillingness of further contact. It is easier to say no right away becauseto prolong is more painful. I must say it's a hard thing to learn, but inmy 26 years I have learned it. So I would think someone who is 27 wouldknow. Having said this, let me tell you about my situation where a guybehaved the same way.
Only 6 days before your circumstance happened, I was at a country dance hallin Fort Worth. Enjoying the house band very much, I wandered up to thestage, where this guy, Rob, began talking to me. After the usual happeningswent down, he asked for my number. I gave it. Then he left. I feltcomfortable with this since the stereotypical end to such an eveninginvolves either or both parties wanting to "leave" together.

So, I was excited the next day when he called. It was perfect timingconsidering I was stranded in Ft. Worth without my NASCAR ticket or a hotelkey. So, we went to an early dinner and had excellent conversation.

As we are leaving the restaurant about 6 pm, he asks what I'm doing laterthat night. I told him nothing. He said he had plans to meet with a fewfriends but didn't really want to go. He said he would call in a few hoursso we could hang out again. I said okay.
I haven't heard from him since. At about 9:30 pm I sent a text, butreceived no response.
Maybe it was because we live 2 hours from each other.Maybe it was because I talked about my faith at dinner.Maybe his friends kidnapped him.

But why say, AFTER knowing these things about me, that he would call melater? Why act like he didn't really want to go? Does the "they always saythey'll call and never do" belief hold true?
Make of this story what you will, but I think POSASes exist in both genders.


Friday, January 06, 2006

3 year anniversary

i have now begun day one of my fourth year at my workplace, to which we will have a short list of highlights of my three year tenure. but to give you some background, my workplace may be the most unusual mix of people/ideologies in existence (not counting restaurants of course. the standard staff of servers at any restaurant will make anyone feel like they just walked into folklore heaven). lets just say my workplace is in the 99th percentile of weird. there are also too many similarities to office space than i care to count. let me issue the please-dont-fire-me-disclaimer that this is not meant to be malicious, just a factual account of a few happenings since i have been here. all the people mentioned are great people that i admire and look up to and any people who read this who would prefer i not write about my workplace or them personally can tell me and i will remove this post. now for the highlights in no particular order...

1. my first day here i was told to go do a building inspection with another new guy, who once we got in the building, he threw a dip in (no spit cup needed) and told me he went to southwest texas for 7 years and his last job was selling trailers for Palm Harbor
2. we have a brother/sister tandem that work here, and about a year ago on Jan 3 of 2005 their dad came on board. there was an email sent out that day saying he was a consultant and would be here "over the next few weeks" helping us on our marketing strategery. he is still here.
3. our CFO has sent email on how to work the copier
4. there is a guy named Milton that works here
5. there is a guy named Dave Matthews that works here (reference similarity to Michael Bolton in office space)
6. i have sat at 10 different cubicle/workspace locations (i am actually surprised this number isnt higher)
7. i have had my stapler stolen twice and my holepunch more times than i can count
8. we had a flood where there was 5 feet of water in the first floor of our building overnight, and my file cabinet was found approximately 11 feet from its original location.
9. the most worthwhile purchase i have made since i started here (perhaps ever) was a car blind spot mirror that i have stuck to my monitor. everyone sits with their back to a halway/other people. it has reduced my stress level by 80% just being able to see what goes on behind me.
10. there were 32 mice that died by mousetrap death in 2005. 4 have been killed in '06 thus far, which would be on pace for 243 and 1/3. prior to 2005, no official count was kept.
11. three cars have been stolen out of the parking lot during the middle of the day
12. i currently have 73 project binders on my shelves, thats a lot of dead trees

but like i have said a hundred times, this is the best place to work in America. now please dont fire me.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Metro and General Male Attire

I hate being considered metrosexual.


Because I am heterosexual, and the label "metrosexual" has an inherent sexual preference ambiguity to it that I don't like.

I shower. I shave. I keep my nosehairs at a respectable length. My hair generally gets washed and brushed. I wear deoderant. Sometimes I wear cologne.


I buy most of my clothes from the Gap. Why? They sell simple clothing that tends to be somewhat stylish without too much risk. What is the risk? That I will buy clothing that will be out of style in 5 days, and given my financial situation, I like when my clothing might even last (gasp) more than 1 year.

I wear three different pairs of shoes to work. Brown ones, black ones, and cowboy boots on occasion. Most of my clothes fit my body. Not too tight, not too lose. They fit.


I drive a Mazda Protege. It is a small import sedan. It could be considered somewhat metro- but this was my decision process in buying the car... Does it get good gas mileage? Yes. Does the roof leak? No. (previous car had leaking roof.. sucked.) Does it have power windows? Yes. Does it seat 4 people? Yes. Is it relatively inexpensive? Yes.


I shave my face. I try to keep my chest hair inside the shirt. I maintain two eyebrows. That's it. No manicure. No waxing. No tanning. No facials. None of that metro crap.

So should I be labeled with this terrible label? No! I do not drink metropolitans, I don't even drink martinis. I drink beer or whiskey. I sweat alot when I workout and I enjoy it. I like sports. I like rock music. I dance well, but I am just gifted in the athletic arts.

In short- metro does not have to apply to everyone who keeps themselves clean and wears decent clothing. There are those leg shaving, chest shaving, eyebrow waxing, audi driving, pink shirt wearing losers of the world and they... they must be called.. The Metrosexual.

the bumper sticker

i am anti-bumper sticker. i think they look terrible, plus i am not sure i have ever seen one that i felt so strongly about that i would place on my vehicle. i have the obligatory Texas A&M alumni sticker on my truck right now, but to be honest, i may remove it soon. since i have a 45min commute to work, i get to see all kinds of interesting bumper stickers. i just decided to make it a new years resolution to pay more attention to the stickers/opinions people feel so strongly about that they must broadcast it in the most public way possible (for most people), on the car.

here are a few i have seen this week:

"Love my country, Hate my Government" (late 80's oldsmobile sedan)
--not sure if this is possible. i think it would be more fitting to say "i hate republicans".

"Save a horse, Ride a cowboy" (brand new red dodge dually pickup)
--the disgusting part about this bumper sticker was that it was in rainbow colors, with rainbow colored cowboy silhouettes on each side of the words. as i passed this big dodge dually truck, there were two dudes in there, and both had mustaches. it was as if i drove by the actual brokeback mountain. i find this bumper sticker offensive. if you are gay, dont be openly disgusting by putting a sticker that promotes perverse sexual activies for everyone to see, including children.

"My border collie is smarter than your honor student" (ford ranger circa 1991)
--well, first off, i havent seen an honor student sticker in about 10 years. i would also like to point out that if you actually think your dog is smarter than someone's kid, you are dumber than both the dog and the kid. clearly the person who puts this sticker on their car does not have a child, or their child is what teachers like to call "low". so the sticker is purchased and placed out of bitterness? how mature.

"Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer" (F-250)
--huh? are you serious? what you really are is a certified dork. what is the purpose of putting this sticker on one's truck. maybe if they are at a gas station, and i am having problems with my laptop, i can hire him for $90/hr to run a system restore. no thanks.

"Don't blame me, I voted for Gore" (1980's volvo)
--oh ok. so since you voted for Gore, you point the finger anytime anything bad happens and act like if Gore were the president, everything would go 100% perfectly and great. shut up and try and support what we have, or leave the country. or how about this, when next election time comes around, vote again. Al Gore lost, remove the sticker.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

oldtimers with the blue tooth

evidently this year's Christmas gift for the baby boomer was the hands-free bluetooth cell phone contraption pictured at right. i have a few theories on why this gift is so desirable for the oldtimer as noted below:

a. cell phone is way too complicated and scary, this thing only has one button and simplifies the process.
b. better get one now, because if you wait any longer your ears will get even bigger and then you wont be able to get the thing on
c. oldtimers mistake this for a personal P.A. system. they dont understand that you must use in conjunction with a cell phone, rather, they think it allows them to hear other people better and when they talk into the microphone, their voice is amplified out of phantom speakers that follow them around
d. "i have always wanted to be an air traffic controller, this is my chance to fulfill that dream."

i am pretty sure there are at least a half dozen people over the age of 45 at my office that received these things on Christmas morning and still have yet to take them off. the last guy that wore one and was over at my desk talking to me even turned his head when i was talking to him so that he could hear me better using his unobstructed ear. i am slightly repelled by this device, although it is a great invention for those who must talk on the phone while driving. my core being is disgusted with those who favor turning humans into robots. there he goes again, another bluetooth wearing baby boomer just walked by my workspace.

oh, on a side note, i am rather excited about the potential being realized in the justinille/camstine weblog which has commenced. it is guaranteed that there will be some filthy goodness that comes out of those two. check theirs out when you have a free minute.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Merle Haggard and Townes Van Zandt Suck

-I actually have nothing against these men. I am just tired of them being honored as low-level deities in present-day Texas Country music for accomplishing relatively little musically or otherwise.

I went to a fairly entertaining New Year's Eve gathering at the Armadillo Palace in Houston last night. There was some dancing, good drinks, a decent gathering of attractive women, and Jesse Dayton. He and his band hammered out some great country/rock, which was well done and fun to listen to. Unfortunately, he committed the cardinal sin of the Texas Music Godfather Reference. Many times over. And he referenced Johnny Cash repeatedly. And said that he hopes they make "20" more Johnny Cash movies.

I suddenly became officially pissed off.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up......just sing you bastard!

Who really, really cares about all these guys? Were they good? Sure- in some ways they have contributed to music and its growth and development. But stop referencing them. Write your own music, perform your own music, and be proud of your own music. It's almost as if these guys don't think anyone can do anything better than these guys did within the genre that they occupy. They are content to just emulate the same decent music over and over until it rapidly degenerates to crap status, then when people realize how bad the music is that they are listening to (since it has only devolved in the 50 years from inception) they throw out the obligatory "I listen to old Texas Country" reference to appease the crowd. As if the crowd is thinking.. "Geez, these guys suck. Do they even know where their OWN style of music came from?! At least then I could sympathize with the fact that they are trying to get people to remember Texas the way it was in the 50's, 60's, and 70's when all was right with the world!"

"This is a song about Willie Nelson.. Luckenbach, Texas.. the 4th of July.. San AnTONE.. gettin' stuck in the mud.. Lone Star and Pearl beers.. My Grandpa who taught me to fish.. the Dukes of Hazzard.. Here we go!"

(andTim vomits in mouth upon recall of having seen this scene EVERY TIME he sees a Texas Country "artist")

Country music can be good. It can have good stories. Just learn some new chords, take some lyrical chances and see what happens. After all country can be fun to dance to, to drink to, to fight to.. oh no.... I am turning into David Allan Coe. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!