Monday, May 08, 2006

4th Place is The First Loser & Aliens, Robots, and Mutants

This weekend was supposed to be the big Triathlon. (Well, big for those of us who are not professional triathletes and just want to brag to friends that WE can swim, bike, AND run.) Alas, the weather did not cooperate as the swim and bike were cancelled. So we had a 5K fun run. I was hanging in the back with some friends where I thought that we would kind of just have fun. Well, shortly after the race began we began to get separated and about a 1/2 mile into the race I started to go. My time? Right around 22 minutes for what was apparently 3.2 miles. Respectable, but not fast.

The disappointment?

The 1st-3rd place winners in each age group won prizes. I got 4th. Are you kidding me? If I had known there were prizes on the line I would have booked it! Anyway, there will be more triathlons as the summer progresses, and hopefully no more 4th place finishes.

Mission Impossible III was good. Not great. Entertaining, a few good little plot twists- basically what I was expecting. The first one is still the best- a really great script.

I think we have actually gotten to the point where the only feasible action heroes in the future will be Aliens, Robots, and/or Mutants. At some point the ridiculous stunts that are portrayed in the genre are going to exceed the audience's willingness to suspend disbelief. If we take a look at some recent and current action flicks- I, Robot (Will Smith is part bionic, a more "human" robot plays the sub-hero), the X-Men trilogy (a fun take on mutated genes- although there is NO proof of beneficial mutations ever happening in human history- bring it Darwinites), and the upcoming "new" Superman movie (Superman is an alien after all) we realize that we are getting to the end of what we actually expect humans to be able to do.

I propose someone make a movie whose main character is an alien sent to Earth for what other reason- to save Earth from evil HUMAN forces. However, the alien's parents in their far away galaxy fail to properly study "War of The Worlds" and their little infant immediately faces life threatening conditions upon encountering the utter filth of the viruses on our planet. Fortunately, he is discovered by a renegade biologist/mechanical engineer who gets a chance to test out his borderline insane theories and inventions on his newfound child- but- all as a benevolent gesture. (So as to end comparisons to Dr. Banner, Bruce Banner's pops in the Hulk). Due to changes in the earth's atmosphere brought about through gases emitted from the rotting heaps of giant batteries used by the first generations of hybrid vehicles (this movie would have to be set in the future- allows for more suspension of the aforementioned disbelief) the vehicle the child is inside of slams incredibly hard into "pick-your-farmland-of-choice", thus ripping the child's left arm off. (For those of you who think that battery acid would be in liquid form, and thus never become a gas- you forget that in the future, the earth will be a nice tepid 100-150 F everywhere which will actually aid in the evaporation process of the battery acid. Conveniently, the "farmland" will also be a ridiculously hard surface due to 50 years of drought which allows for the violent landing/arm-ripped-off part of the plot to be more feasible.)

The child will then be raised as an alien/robot/mutant- the mutant part comes from his crazy pops having to find a way to instanteously heal his rapidly deteriorating non-human body. He will get shot 18 times when his family is forced to move to the 'hood- after his father and mentor dies suddenly by giant windmill blade on their windfarm. (Re: early 21st century nostalgia for 50 Cent and the windfarm of Mi III) The child will somehow persevere through his government-sponsored mentorship program and his inherent advantage of being an alien. He will go on to fight a giant secret army of half-human, half-robot beings (deliberately stolen from... I mean in homage to... Star Wars) that are sponsored by the joint powers of B.O.B. (Big Oil Boys) In the end, he wins, but still feels incomplete- a problem that is solved when his asexuality is discarded in favor of marriage to Jake Gyllenhaal, the patriarch of a vast polygamous homosexual empire. Jake Gyllenhaal- the gay Hugh Hefner of the polygamous future. The only reason he marries? Tax benefits.

1 Comments:

At 5/08/2006 10:44:00 AM, Blogger marklancaster.net said...

All I have to say... is Halo the movie comes out next year. Another example of cybernetic human being the hero, but I don't care because the movie is going to effing rock.

 

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