Tuesday, May 23, 2006

city citations courtesy of Old Man McManders

let me tell you a little story about Old Man McManders. see, McManders is rather old. he is also a man. it is not known whether this has anything to do with his name being Old Man McManders, so your guess is as good as mine. he and his alleged wife, Mrs. McManders live next door to us. they appear sweet and elderly (80+ years of age) but now that we have lived here for about a year, the McManders have retracted all mercy and kindness. by the way, their last name may or may not be McManders, i just made it up because it sounds terrific since he is an Old Man and his name is unknown. henceforth, "Old Man McManders." to give you a visual, he looks like any of the old dudes that were hiding under giant monster costumes in the old Scooby Doo cartoons when Fred and/or Velma de-masked the villain. old, wrinkly, and old. not to mention elderly.

about 3 weeks ago, my yard was getting to the point where it needed to be mowed. my wife was outside, and Mrs. McManders approached her in our front yard. i was at work or something, not really sure. she asks if we would like Old Man McManders to start mowing and edging our yard for us. my wife says "no thanks, my husband actually likes being outside and taking care of the yard, but we appreciate the offer." a very true statement. i do like being outside and taking care of the yard. it is a nice time. plus, now that i have rid the property of nemesis # 2 and its evil bunny children of mayhem, my grass looks great and we have a pretty lovely lookin yard. anyway, Mrs. McManders pushes the issue a bit and says they could really use the money and Old Man McManders would be interested in doing it. again, my wife respectfully declines. a little weird, but we kinda forget about it.

well, we forgot about it until this past weekend when i went out and got saturday's mail. i was feeling pretty relaxed, ready for a lazy sunday after church, when i come across a letter from the Homeowner's Association. FYI, the Homeowner's Association in most cases is an organization that basically does nothing except email you once a month about a bunch of worthless crap and neighborhood bally-hoo that no one attends or cares about. i wasnt really expecting any worthless Homeowner's Association mail, but i open it. it reads something to the effect that homeowners are "required to adhere to certain deed restrictions and architectural guidelines" and eventually the critical line towards the bottom reads "Your yard needs maintenance...Please mow and edge your yard on a regular basis."

oh really? i will tell you this...i mow the yard once a week. perhaps i have let it go till a tuesday causing a 9-day between mowings calendar. this has happened one time. are you thinking what i am thinking? Old Man McManders has declared war on my yardscape. yeah, he must have. a little bitter that we wouldnt pay his old timer retired self to come mow my yard. not my fault he isnt good enough at crossword puzzles and/or sudoku to have something to do during the day instead of bitterly call the homeowner's association and report my yard as being in need of maintenance. our yard has and has always been in the 90th percentile of nice lookin yards since we moved in. i am pretty hacked about this, so i will counterattack by declaring a "Yard-Off" between me and Old Man McManders. yeah, you heard me McManders. i will even unsecure my network so you can tap into my WiFi and log on to mikeandtim for this one time just so you are aware of the Yard-Off. i challenge you, McManders, to compete with me on who can have the better groomed and better lookin yard. i mowed my yard last week on tuesday, and mowed it again on sunday, edged it again, watered, and fixed some fence. bring it oldtimer, you cant hang with me you filthy tattletailin whiney hooligan! yeah! you are the hooligan! how you like that Old Man McManders?!?


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